a man said to his wife "when i wake up in the morning and see your face its like winning the lottery" his wife said "you feel like a millionare" he said no i wish you had rolled over

Paddy goes running into the house and shouts murphy murphy I've just seen someone pinching your car . Murphy says did you see who it was or get a description ? Paddy says no but I got the reg number .

Bloke goes into the Doctors and says "Doctor, everytime i masturbate i sing Red Red Robin"

"Not to worry" replies the Doctor "Thousands of W*nkers sing that"

I was round this birds house the other night giving her a good seeing too when a car pulled up outside and keys rattled in the door lock

Quick, she said, use the backdoor

I should have run, but that offer was too good to turn down

"Velcro, what a rip off."

Tim Vine has some absolute belters.

"I've got a friend who has a butler whose left arm is missing. Serves him right"
"one arm butlers... They can take it but they can't dish it out"

once you go bald

there's no growing back

Paddy goes to see Murphy who has just come out of hospital after breaking his leg.
`How you doing` asks Paddy
`Not too bad` replies Murphy `toes are cold can you slip upstairs and get me slippers`
So Paddy goes upstairs and as he walks past Murphy`s twin daughters bedroom he see`s them both lying there naked on the bed and goes in.
`Hello girls` he says
`What are you doing in here`the first one shreeks
`Yer dad has sent me up to fook yer both` he says.
`Fook off` the second snaps
`If yer don`t believe me then listen` Paddy says and shouts down to Murphy `Both of em Murph`
and the reply comes back `YES, WHATS THE USE OF FOOKING ONE`

Jeremy Forrest has just updated his Facebook relationship status to "It's complicated".

Whats the difference between a egg and a w@nk?
You can beat an egg

What do you tell a woman with a black eye?
Nothing,you've told her once.

a man had 5 penises, and his trousers fitted like a glove

man in pub asks his mate....do you like women with big saggy boobs?
mate replies ......no i dont
man......do you like women with big fat s?
mate replies.......no i dont
man......or do you like women with smelly fannys?
mate replies....no i dont
man says......so why are you shagging my wife then?

My wife wants me to leave home she says "your obession with only fools and horses is ruining our relationship and I want you to leave the house "

I said "OK I'll get my suitcase from the van "...................