mate of mine house hunting and looking at a few houses, takes his kid with him. the estate agent is a bit on the large side

"ok ben we have one more house to look at then we'll go home"

"is the fat lady coming with us again?"
right in front of her

one of my daughters went to the supermarket with the wife when she started shouting down the isle i want some c@ck c@ck she meant choc choc my wife went rather red as i was in pleats

Every time my 2 1/2 year old daughter Tilly see's me watching rugby on Sky she asks me if Adrian Morley is playing. Very cute.

One of Joshuas classics came over the summer holidays. Stood in the queue in Asda when he looks up at me and says "Dad". (He has this ability to say "Dad" in so many different ways, and this time it was the "Dad" that means what is about to follow is going to be very embaressing).

"Dad, you don't see many of those nowadays do you Dad"

"Don't see many of what sunshine" says me whilst starting to move my hands ready to hold my head and wait for the ground to open up beneath me.

"Brown people" he says whilst pointing to the black couple in front of us in the queue just as they look down to see whatever it is you don't see many of

i went in to a shop in the lake district and asked if they had any maps of local pub walks...young kid in there with his mum turns to me and says eer your to fat to go on a walk...pmsl as he did have a point.