REDS SNAP UP MIDDLEHURST

Salford City Reds today confirmed their first off season capture with the unexpected signing of Harry Middlehurst, a 70 year old winger/loose forward from Salford. Middlehurst impressed Reds bosses during the clubs summer training camp in Southport.

Middlehurst, a resident of Langworthy Road was first spotted taking a break at chairman John Wilkinsons holiday home, The Salfordian, when Shaun McRae spotted some surprise potential in the 70 year old former gas fitter. McRae said 'You should have seen him make a dart for the biscuits at break time... He was like muck off a shovel'.

The Reds then invited Middlehurst to the clubs training sessions on the sandy beaches of Southport where Middlehurst continued to impress with his fleet of foot and what Chief Executive Dave Tarry described... his snake hips. Tarry... a former gas fitter himself described the signing of Middlehurst as a 'coo(sic)'. Tarry continued 'This signing will make the whole of Rugby League sit up and take note of the Salford City Reds. Nobody expects a club like Salford to pull off a signing like this... but this club is going places... and the signing just confirms it. When I first saw Harry I knew he had something, but when Shaun saw him move for the bourbons... that was the clincher. He's quick off the mark and will certainly give our current wingers a run for their money.'

Director of football Steve Simms was equally excited by the new summer capture. Simms said 'It makes you wonder what else is out there. We've been making trips to Australia for many years now, and suddenly find Harry on our own doorstep. Some people may see this as signing another has been, but we don't see it that way. Of course we'd have liked him 10 years ago when he was in his prime, but Harry can still go some... you should have seen him move on the beach when the ice-cream van rolled up.'

Coach Mcrae added 'What makes this such a special signing is that he's a local lad. He fits right in. Not only can he swap gas fitting storys with our own Chief executive, but he can sing too. He can also wrap his bottom lip over his head when he takes his teeth out. If that doesn't help with team bonding then nothing will.

You should ask for a job at the MEN.

Given that the MEN’s scoops are scraped off here anyway, this is tantamount to a press release.

salfords new arrivals delayed.

salford city reds would like to announce new signings today, unfortunately they are unable to do this as their signings who are to remain nameless are stuck in traffic.

Shaun mcrae explains : "well to save a bit of money steve simms came up with with the idea of picking them all up in one go in our van as most of our squad become travel sick.

It was goin well, we got to hull in 3 hours, then wakefield they stopped for lunch, off too leeds in the afternoon to pick the rest up, unfortunately there has been a smash at heywood and they have been stuck in traffic on the m62 ever since"

Unfortunately steve simms is unable to comment as he is not allowed to use a mobile at the wheel, a source inside the van said

"the spirit in the van is great, everyone is committed to drive forward their careers, its been a journey so far, not many twist n turns but you dont get that on a motorway"

"Salford Announce the signing of Andrew Johns"
Due to the departure of Richie Myler to Warrington it has been disclosed that a deal has been set up where Johns comes over to the UK to help with the development of Myler.
This will be funded totally by the Warrington club and whilst working with Myler Johns will be employed in a player role by Salford.
Johns had a very succesful time on his last visit to the UK and although now 34 still has the ambition to succeed in SL.
He will be joined by 34 year old Brad Drew and 70 year old Harry Middlehurst.
Steve Simms said "this shows what ambition the club has, the money we received for Myler has gone to the planning department for the new stadium and these new signings show that we will be a force to reckon with."

Salford City Reds today made history with the signing of the first full time female ever to be included in a professional rugby league squad. Britney Blears comes with a wealth of experience in the womens game at amateur level, and the signing of the 19 year old half back has sent shock waves through the sport.

Blears, a mum of 3 from Swinton, and distant relative of lifelong Salford fan Hazel, is delighted to be teaming up with the Reds and fully intends to grab this opportunity with both hands. Britney commentted 'I'm chuffed to be joining up with the club. I've followed Salford for many years and have been involved in activities in the dressing room before at The Willows, so I'll feel right at home'.

Coach Shaun McRae said 'We're delighted. Britney is a class act with balls in hand. She has her knockers, but we can see a little gem in the making. We believe she has the ability to take over at 7, but has been known to occupy many positions on the park.'

Referees controller Stuart Cummins was asked his thoughts on seeing the first female to be involved at a playing level in professional Rugby League. Cummins said 'It's going to be interesting. This is a day of equality and a move like this has taken far too long in coming. Obviously the game will have to change slightly to accomodate Britney, but we are prepared. We will be introducing the 'snatch tackle' rule. We've yet to iron out the creases in that one, but when we do, everybody will be prepared to implement it for the start of the new season.'

Salford chief executive Dave Tarry commented 'This is great for Salford and great for the lads. The atmosphere in the dressing room will be fantastic next season with Harry Middlehurst able to pull his bottom lip over his head, and Britney able to do a similar trick... the lads are in for some laughs next season. It can only add to a great club atmosphere and assist the Reds on moving forward.'

SOME CLASSICS ON THERE, KEEP IT UP

'SIMMS TO STAR IN CORRIE'

Salford City Reds director has sensationally joined the cast of Coranation street as Gail Platts new love interest, Simms added 'I cant wait, I've always wanted to lock lips with Gail Platt, hopefully it would benefit recruitment to Salford also as its in the Salford area'. Simms also revealed that hes done acting before 'I pretend to be upset when Salford lose sometimes and the acting was spotted by the producers'. Simms will make his first appearance as florist Ted Bundy on Monday nights episode

Awrrrr come on.... this is supposedto be make believe

Myler head injury rules him out of final games of season

Richie Myler has been ruled out of the remaining games of Salford City Reds season after a head injury, sources close to the club have revealed as the patio windows in the training ground were closed he was unable to get in or out of the building without damage.

He should be fit however to take up his rumoured multi-million pound contact with Warrington next season who announced today the the district of woolston will now be renamed "Myler-to-wire" and it is to be open up officially by Richie himself and the Warrington Wolves rugby league club this afternoon

"Its pure coincidence im here, i was shopping and suddenly im dragged infrount of all these people" Myler explained

In other Rugby league news

Salford City reds say their new signings Britney Blears and Harry Middlehurst will give them the edge in the comming season.
Steve Simms explains "Its a perfect blend of youth and experience to take us to the next level"

Also rumoured to be in talks with Salford a Former Australian Test utility back with NRL experience, Shaun Mcrae said " we have a long list of players we have to go though, unfortunatley my mobiles ran out of battery and John (wilkinson) isnt too happy about us using the office phone so ive sent a few letters and we'll see what happens"

ALL BLOOD7Y BRILLIANT

Brad Drews apparent U-Turn has been put down to the fact that he would only be second choice hooker to Britney Blears.
Steve Simms although still angry had calmed down after a late night meeting with Britney.
Simms said " Britneys soft hands and ability at the play the ball will be a huge plus to Salford next year. She has had mouthfulls in the past but just gets on with things. Britney being here makes players like Drew not signing for us not such a bad thing "
Shaun McRae was unobtainable for comment as he was still trying decipher what Martin Offiah had said to him after last nights meeting"

anyone know when the silver fox is off on his all expenses paid annual holiday/scouting/retirement home finding/waste of time trip down under???

salford city reds are reeling today as the true facts of brad drews on/off transfer sarga are revealed.

A club official who will remain nameless explains

" well it was goin so well Brad was driving over the pennines to sign his contract, he stopped for petrol and got ambushed by a extremist group of huddesfield supporters who at knife point, made him drive to the the galfarm and sign for them instead"

our sources who was one of 1st to find out about the event continues:

"Steve (simms) got straight on the phone demanding answers but got a sharp threat from the extremists saying if he didnt back off straight away they'd get Britney too on her way to the trafford centre and make her sign as well which would leave the whole squad deverstated.

Steve got the message load and clear and moved britney to a safe house for the good of the club@"

When asked to comment about this rumour steve simms refused saying he stands by the clubs official statement given to the press.