Given some of the bad feeling on the board, I thought it might be nice to have some where to have a bit of a giggle.

So here's a few jokes. Feel free to add to them

I was clearing out my late German Grandfather's closet and decided to give all his old clothes to the local charity shop.

I handed over the bag of clothes to the shop assistant who was rummaging through it when a horrified expression formed on her face.

"How dare you bring this uniform in to my shop" she exclaimed angrily. "This is a symbol of pain, shame and humiliation."

Hugely embarrassed at this turn of events, I quickly took back the bag.

"I'm truly sorry" I said. "I had no idea he was an Arsenal fan."

I think I might be allergic to Rohypnol. Every time I take it my hurts.

The iPhone is useless to an immature person like myself.

I type "5318008" into the calculator and turn it upside down, but the screen rights itself.

Went to the hospital with the wife and the doctor asked me to accompany her to the theatre.

We saw The Lion King.

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers.

Now that's my type of joke

Just quit my job at the Helium factory. Not being spoken to like that again.

Jeremy Beadle used to have a small willy.

But on the other hand, it's quite large.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

Patient "Doctor doctor, I keep seeing lots of colourful flashing fish."
Doc "Have you seen an optician?"
Patient "Naw, only fish."

As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air.

She then folded her arms and huffed, "You never make the first move",

"Jesus!" I said as I rolled my eyes "Every night it's the same thing",

"Well you don't!" she moaned "It's always me and quite frankly I'm fed up with it. And before you start, it's nothing to do with you being black",

"It is" I said,

"No, it isn't" she said,

"You know what?" I said as I jumped out of the bed, "You can stick the chessboard up your ".

1. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last
year!"


2. My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


3. I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."


4. My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"


5. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


6. My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And that's when the fight started...


7. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"


8. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

My deaf mates wife was fuming.. She's just found out he's been having an affair with another deaf woman... I'm surprised she didn't see the signs !!