Two cows in a field the first cow says 'moo' second cow says 'baa' first cow says 'what was that?' cow reply's i'm learning a foreign language!'

I saw this guy wearing a T-shirt which read "50 today!"

"He's showing his age" I thought

Chelsea are already planning to appeal against Fernando Torres sending off for a two footed tackle.

Everyone knows he hasn't got a left foot.

I started dating a dwarf with brittle bone disease. She's a little smasher.

I said to my wife, "We need some sort of fence to protect our beloved goat" She said, "Wire fence?" I said "For protection..."

As the sperm swam toward the egg, I thought to myself, "I've really ruined this full English breakfast."

Some guy poured milk all over me earlier. How dairy..

People are always asking me if I can do a negative tortoise impression. I'm going to stick my neck out and say no.

I spent 3 hours last Sunday at the mother in law’s graveside.

Silly bugger thinks I'm digging a fish pond.

I thought my wife was joking when she said I was obsessed with The Monkees.......

Then I saw her face.....

I used to have a bird with eczema. She had cracking tits!

How do you pull a fat bird. Piece of cake.

Doctor doctor Ive got a strawberry stuck up me ar$e. Ive got some cream for that.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

I tried to use the word penis as my password, unfortunately I failed every time, I was constantly told it wasn't long enough.

I caught my tailor shagging my wife yesterday, so I told him that I'd never use his business again. He said "Fine, suit yourself"

Paddy puts an ad in his local paper as his dog had gone missing......after a week and no replies his wife asked 'what did you put in the ad as i thought we would have heard something by now?'.....paddy replies.... 'here boy'....