As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air.

She then folded her arms and huffed, "You never make the first move",

"Jesus!" I said as I rolled my eyes "Every night it's the same thing",

"Well you don't!" she moaned "It's always me and quite frankly I'm fed up with it. And before you start, it's nothing to do with you being black",

"It is" I said,

"No, it isn't" she said,

"You know what?" I said as I jumped out of the bed, "You can stick the chessboard up your ".

1. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last
year!"


2. My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


3. I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."


4. My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"


5. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


6. My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And that's when the fight started...


7. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"


8. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

My deaf mates wife was fuming.. She's just found out he's been having an affair with another deaf woman... I'm surprised she didn't see the signs !!

You know, I contribued to this thread but I am disappointed it was not about our board and our recruitment.

[url=http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/180726587776?ru=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ebay.co.uk%3A80%2Fsch%2Fi.html%3F_from%3DR40%26_trksid%3Dp5197.m570.l1313%26_nkw%3D180726587776%26_sacat%3DSee-All-Categories%26_fvi%3D1&_rdc=1#ht_942wt_1139not quite a joke, but still funny[/url

How do you make a cat go woof?


..Poor petrol on it and set it alight

2 muffins sat in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Bloody hell! It's hot in here". The other muffin says "ARGH! A talking muffin!"

I just fainted at the local curry house

why did nobody tell me R.E.M had split up? That's me in the korma...

Remember..

If you are in bed with a blind girl and she says "I've never had a member as big as yours", She's more than likely pulling your leg.

Two men were walking down the street and they seen a blind dog shagging a cabbage, one of the men said, "the poor bugger must of thought it was a collie

paddy the electrician got sacked from the prison service 4 refusing 2 repair the electric chair.he said that in his opinion it was a flipping death trap

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."