I looked into my new girlfriend's eyes and said, "I would like to make love to your soul."

"Awww, any time, that is so romantic." she smiled.

"Great.." I replied. "I think I'll start with your r-soul."

Before the Americans lost the Ryder Cup many were claiming an early victory.

It's a shame they're no good at irony. Or puttery, or drivery.

The Pope went to Northern Ireland. He asked Paddy what he thought of County Down, he replied - It's e since Carol Vorderman left

I'm in the doghouse again!!
My girlfriend said to me last night "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the @rse".
Maybe I should have waited until the bulb cooled down a bit?

Maths question. If a 30 year old runs away with a 15 year old, they do 60 mph in the car to Dover, they each pay £25 ferry fares and stay for 7 nights in a £40 a night hotel.

How many years in prison will the 30 year old get?

he will have an asshole like a clowns pocket when they finish with him inside!!!

Are Firefighters overpaid or overworked,

They took a poll,

And they all fell through a hole in the floor.



I've just taken the shell off my racing snail to streamline him.

If anything it's made him more sluggish.

A bloke goes to a fishmongers to pick up some fish for a BBQ. At the fresh fish counter he asks the assistant for two whole trout. The assistant picks two trout up and asked 'How would you like them sir?', to which he replied 'gutted please'. Without hesitating the assistant looks towards the fish and says 'you're both smelly and not worth as much as the cod.' He then turns to the man and says 'There you go mate, they're gutted!.'

Jesus, these are getting worse each time lol

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

Dear Jim
Can you fix it for me to go on a holiday with my bird without her parents getting all uppity about it....
From Jeremy Forrest aged 30

I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.

My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your ar5e."

I was having a great time at the Nazi karaoke evening.

And then I went and spoiled it all by saying something stupid like I love Jews.

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Peter's church in Shrewsbury have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy Green from Margate has written in to Points of view.

When will the madness end?

I had that Fatboy Slim voice on my SatNav. It was useless.

I just kept going around in circles because all the time it was: "Right here, Right now."