I was round this birds house the other night giving her a good seeing too when a car pulled up outside and keys rattled in the door lock

Quick, she said, use the backdoor

I should have run, but that offer was too good to turn down

"Velcro, what a rip off."

Tim Vine has some absolute belters.

"I've got a friend who has a butler whose left arm is missing. Serves him right"
"one arm butlers... They can take it but they can't dish it out"

once you go bald

there's no growing back

Paddy goes to see Murphy who has just come out of hospital after breaking his leg.
`How you doing` asks Paddy
`Not too bad` replies Murphy `toes are cold can you slip upstairs and get me slippers`
So Paddy goes upstairs and as he walks past Murphy`s twin daughters bedroom he see`s them both lying there naked on the bed and goes in.
`Hello girls` he says
`What are you doing in here`the first one shreeks
`Yer dad has sent me up to fook yer both` he says.
`Fook off` the second snaps
`If yer don`t believe me then listen` Paddy says and shouts down to Murphy `Both of em Murph`
and the reply comes back `YES, WHATS THE USE OF FOOKING ONE`

Jeremy Forrest has just updated his Facebook relationship status to "It's complicated".

Whats the difference between a egg and a w@nk?
You can beat an egg

What do you tell a woman with a black eye?
Nothing,you've told her once.

a man had 5 penises, and his trousers fitted like a glove

man in pub asks his mate....do you like women with big saggy boobs?
mate replies ......no i dont
man......do you like women with big fat s?
mate replies.......no i dont
man......or do you like women with smelly fannys?
mate replies....no i dont
man says......so why are you shagging my wife then?

My wife wants me to leave home she says "your obession with only fools and horses is ruining our relationship and I want you to leave the house "

I said "OK I'll get my suitcase from the van "...................

reports coming in of a training ground incident at hull kr this morning. a £1 coin was thrown towads the players on the pitch.
detective smith of humberside police said "at this time we cannot confirm if it was an act of violence or a actual takeover bid".

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously."Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.""Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.Then he quietly explained;"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any f@"%ing Frenchmen to show it to."

DOes he have no legs, or 7 fingers?

It was our last night on holiday and after a fair few Sambucas and a lot of persuasion, our lass finally agreed to take it up the a**e.

Which was a big relief as there's no way I could have got another sleeve of tobacco in that bloody suitcase.

i was chatting a bird up last night she asked me if i had a nickname i replied ys they cakk me the sledge! she asked is it because your sleek and fast i said no it because i get pulled by dogs!

two flies land on a piece of shoite one spews up the other fly says do you mind im eatinfg my dinner!!

a cannibal is stood near a turd crying his eyes out another cannibal asks whats wrong? the cannibal replies ive just dumped my bird!!