When I was best man, at the start of my speech I presented the groom with a referee's red and yellow cards.

I told him if I was getting too rude, hold up the yellow and I'd change topic,

If he wanted me to stop immediately, hold up the red.

The audience loved it. - I just ignored him through out.

There were a couple of times when the bride waved the red....!

"I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."


"I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

The only time I was best man, I opened my speech with the line.........."Being asked to be D.....'s best man is a bit like making love to the Queen Mother...no one wants to do it but it is nevertheless considered to be an honour"

Of course I think she was still alive then (the queen mother that is), and as she's not now it might be considered to be in bad taste, you could always replace her with some one like the duchess of pork

' the meal was fantastic ...my compliments to the microwave'

' thanks to my best man, Dave , the folically challenged man , yes the guy who had a crew cut but the crew bailed out'.

How about,

"I've been told that a speech should only last for the same amount of time you can make love. In which case get yourselves comfortable we could be a while........ or go for so this won't take long!"

My friend who was a best man for 1 of our mates began his speech with
" well i have known J**** for many years now and we have our ups and downs and we have been round town and got off with a few women on a few nights? where upon the groom piped up and said"Yes and a few dogs"
Then upon hearing this the best man commented"Yes but im not marrying 1 of them" Lets just say her family was not amused but the table i was on where in stitches

Maybe not the best man but. My father-in-law stood up and told the whole place, " This lad has a heart of gold, many a time I've been driving home when it's been raining and I've seen him giving those poor girls down Waterhouse lane a lift "

Start with,

" Good afternoon, thats the second time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand " !!

I said the best man was the sort of guy ' that if you lent him a £1000 and never saw him again , you would regard it as an investment'.

Good one i heard the other month at a wedding was the best man said to groom at the start of his speech..."put the brides hand on the table and put yours on top (the grooms)...he did his speech and at the end he said i told you to do that because thats the only time you will get the upper hand.