Shirley rings Simon Bates on radio 1 asking for a song on "our tune" for her and her husband Billy.
Simon says he needs a bit of a story so Shirley proceeds to tell him they got married really young. "Mmm, need a bit more than that Shirley" says Simon. "Billy lost his job in Hull" she says. "Could do with a bit more of a story Shirley" says Simon.
"Well we moved to York and he got a job in the Nestle factory, and unfortunately he died in an accident at work"
"Thats more like it" says Simon, "how did he die?"
"he fell into one of the chocolate vats" says Shirley.
"Oh yes! we can certainly do you a slot on our tune Shilrley, which song would you like?"

"can we have Billy don't be an Aero? please Simon".

Snoop Dogg's the producer on Chas n Dave's new single.

It's called Knees up Motherf***er

You would think a maths teacher should know that 30 into 15 does not go!

newly married couple on their wedding night,bride says,i have something to confess,what is it ,he asks,bride,i was a hooker before i met you,he says,i can forgive you for that,thank you she says,but i was a hooker with hull kr.

Patient - "doctor I keep thinking im Tom Jones, is that very common"?
Doctor - "it's not unusual"

Patient: Doctor I keep thinking I'm a cowboy!

Doctor: How long as this been happening?

Patient: About a Yeaarrgh!

A bloke takes his dog to a theatrical agent claiming his dog can talk.
"O.k., give me proof " says the agent.
Bloke to dog,Whats sandpaper like?"
Dog. "Ruff"
Agent says he needs better proof than that.
"O.K" says the bloke to his dog "whats on top of an house?"
Dog. "Roof"
Agent kicks them both out,as they are walking along the dog looks at the bloke and says "Do you think I should have said tiles?"

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too." "No, a straw," says the Tramp. The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

Ultimate phone prank: 1. Call the ChildLine number and say 'I've just dialed 1471 and this number came up, who is this?' 2. Operator replies 'you're through to ChildLine.' 3. You shout 'TERRY YOU LITTLE TW@, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE BA5TARD''. Before hanging up the phone.

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

What kind of bee's produce milk?






































































BooBee's!!

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very
shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 3 10 [small] a 3 20[medium] or a 3 30[large].
The word condom won’t even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a big black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "3 50"..

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between
his legs. "Yes "!!!! She said “He’s got one hanging there"....!

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50......................He's
the Window cleaner"!!!!!!!

The police rang me up the other day and said some one has broke in to your house drank all your beer and raped your missus , I said I cant believe they shagged our lass after only 3 cans ....... (I'll get me coat)

Whats Brown and Sticky.

[sizeA stick[/size