and did they?

Man stopped by cops on the M1 after being clocked doing 120mph, cop says give me 1 good reason for that speed? Man says, 2 months ago my wife ran off with a traffic cop and i saw you behind me and i thought you were bringing her back!

Police arrested me last and questioned me for an hour
one copper asked me "why do you keep beating my wife up?"
so i said honestly "because i have a longer reach and better foot work than her"

What did the epileptic Scotsman get for xmas?

A Wee Fit!

Bloke says to his mate, "I've been taking steroids and i've grown an extra cock". His mate says, "Anabolic"? And the bloke says, "No, just a cock"!!

Why do hippos make love under water?




Ever tried keeping a 9lb clitoris wet?

I had a mate who was suicidal, he was really depressed, so i pushed him in front of a steam train.
he was chuffed to bits.

A young German boy has not spoken since birth. Despite many visits to specialists they can neither find anything physically preventing him from talking nor any psychoogical reason. On his tenth birthday the family celebrate by taking him to a restaurant. On trying his soup the boy looks up and says to his mother "mazzer, ziz soop is cold". The mother in tears at this miracle says "hans, vy haf you vaited so long to speak?" and the boy says "Until now mazzer, everysing has been satisfactory"

Dont know why but i nearly peed

There was this Paddy who thought a canopy was a Scotsman with bladder trouble.

Dave is a Hull FC supporter who dies and goes to heaven. He meets St Peter at the pearly gates and is given a guided tour of heaven. They eventually finish the tour in the clock room. Dave is amazed at how many clocks there is in this room. Dave says "St Peter, how many clocks are there in this room and what do they do?"
St Peter says "There is a clock for every living person back on earth and when their clock stops they die and come here into heaven" Dave points at a clock then says "And why has that clock just skipped on one full hour"
St Peter says "Well, the owner of that clock has just masturbated so God took one hour off his life for sinning".
Dave say's "Can is see Justin Morgans clock".
St Peter says "No, You can't because the chef is using that clock as an extractor fan".