quality

My wife just found ou she was adopted. She was devastated, and kept asking, why didnt they want me? I took her in my arms and comforted her. After a while still crying she kissed me and asked me to make love to her. In hindsight , taking her passionately from behind, shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! wasnt a good idea.

going to use that

Sorry.

After the death of his husband, Matt Lucas is going through his most recent fan mail. One such letter is especially touching

"I'm very sorry to hear about your sad loss. I realise that this is not the best time to say this, but I just wanted to tell you how much I love you, and that I think you are so very attractive and cuddly. You see, you remind me of my late wife

Yours Jack Tweed"

Two cowboys got off their horses in town.As they tied them to the rail,one walked round to the back of his horse,lifted its tail,and kissed it on the rse.
"Say Tex" asked his friend,"Why did you do
that?"

"Waall pardner,I have got chapped lips."

"Does that cure it?"

"No, but it sure as hell stops me licking them!"

Paddy goes into a wine shop and asks if they sell Ellesmere port.

and did they?

Man stopped by cops on the M1 after being clocked doing 120mph, cop says give me 1 good reason for that speed? Man says, 2 months ago my wife ran off with a traffic cop and i saw you behind me and i thought you were bringing her back!

Police arrested me last and questioned me for an hour
one copper asked me "why do you keep beating my wife up?"
so i said honestly "because i have a longer reach and better foot work than her"

What did the epileptic Scotsman get for xmas?

A Wee Fit!