130k for McDonnell.

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
Into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

... 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
Great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
From the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f**kin' liar......

I think I keep hearing the ghost of Robin Gibb at the bottom of my garden.



It's either that or it's jus the chives talking...

I went to a zoo the other day and all they had was one cage with a dog in it.

It was a shihtzu.

My old man got done for theft, he kept stealing for lollipop ladies at school crossings.

I should have seen it coming, all the signs were there....

tommy cooper classicsA guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.

A bloke was ing his secretary up the when his wife walks in...
She said "You can't do this to me"
He said, "I know, that's why i'm doing it to her"

My friends call me Captain Obvious.
It's because I'm always pointing out the obvious.

My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.

"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."

"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

And that was all the invitation I needed...

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes.

My girlfriend left me last week, she said I was too passive and I didn't stick up for myself enough.
I can't argue with that.

My girlfriend said she was going to break up with me for being a control freak.
But, I told her not to.


A lot of men don't grasp the importance of conversation in a relationship. You should never stop talking.
Because the moment you do, she starts.

I am going on the channel 4 programme Embarrasing Bodies soon.............



I have one testicle bigger then the other two.........

two lesbians sat in the bath.

one says , wheres the soap?.

the other one says , yes..doesn't it.....

was telling my pal the other day,that my wife said she was going for a bottle of milk,that was a week ago,and she`s not back yet.how are you coping he asked ,oh,not bad ,i said,i`m using that powered milk.

chap looks out of his window,and sees two men with picks and shovels,one digs a hole and the other one filled it in.this went on right down the street,so he went out and asked why one was digging a hole and the other one filling it in?well the problem is,the guy whose supposed to put the tree in called in sick.