my grandma took my grandad who is deaf to the doctors,

doctor says, cant see what the problem is so can you get a stool sample and a urine sample.

grandma tells grandad , he says ..what ????

she tells him again.. he says ..what???

she says to him" doctor said leave your underpants on reception..

Two mate were having a row the first one said When you die I will dance on your grave .The other one stated that OK I am getting buried at sea

Saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman this morning, he was wearing a cat flap.

Bloke goes to the doctors with a bad back, after an examination the doc asked the man " do you masterbate over bang babes in a morning" the man asks is that whats causing the pain??

The doc replies "no its just great aint it"!!!!

2 Prawns (Steve & Christian) not happy with their lot, Steve says "I'm fed up with all this hiding under rocks from predators, wish I was a shark". Just as he said it the magic Cod was swimming by and agreed to turn him into a shark!
After a couple of weeks he got fed up of being a shark, he had no friends and everyone was afraid of him, he asked an octopus how could he go back to how he was? The octopus said he had to find the magic cod to turn him back into a prawn. After much searching he did just that and went to see his mate. His mates mam answered the door and said that he did'nt want to see him cos he was a shark so he shouted through "it's ok, I found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian!"

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Already heard it.

I was driving when my boss rang me and said good news , you've been promoted to assistant manager. I almost swerved the car. He rang again a few minutes later and said even better news you're the new manager! This time I did swerve I was so shocked. He then rang again and said that he'd been sacked and I was the new MD!!! I drove straight off the road into a ditch.
When the police arrived they said , what happened?
I said I careered off the road!!

I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.

Man says to girlfriend in an intimate moment,

"Can I smell your pussy"

She replied "No you certainly can't"

to which he retorted

"Oh it must be your feet then!"

130k for McDonnell.

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
Into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

... 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
Great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
From the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f**kin' liar......

I think I keep hearing the ghost of Robin Gibb at the bottom of my garden.



It's either that or it's jus the chives talking...

I went to a zoo the other day and all they had was one cage with a dog in it.

It was a shihtzu.

My old man got done for theft, he kept stealing for lollipop ladies at school crossings.

I should have seen it coming, all the signs were there....