Stevie wonder got a cheese grater got christmas.....he says its the most violent book he has ever read!!!

Slight variation one on sportstalk tonite that made me chuckle:

Man walks into a pub in Hull and spots Evander Holyfield drinking at the end of the bar.

Man: Ey Up Evander!. I'll buy you a pint.

Holyfield: No, I'm alright. I've got half 'ere.

Buddum Tish.

In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the land-lady of the local pub, The Cockwell Inn. For some unknown reason, she gets embarresed when she receives her post:

Linda Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts

Tampax have changed the design of their product...Instead of a bit of string they are using a piece of tinsel...but it's only for the christmas period!

One day a baby polar bear approaches his mother with a confused expression on his face and asks, "Mom? Am I a polar bear?"

"Well of course son!" replies mother bear.

The cub then asks, "You’re sure I'm not a panda bear or a black bear?"

"No, of course not. Now run off and play."

But the baby polar bear is still confused so he approaches his father.

The cub asks, "Dad, am I a polar bear?"

"Why of course son!" the papa polar bear gruffly replies.

The cub continues, "I don't have any grizzly bear or Koala bear in my blood?"

"No son. I'm a polar bear, your mother is a polar bear, so you too are one hundred percent purebred polar bear!! Why in the world do you ask?"


















"Because I'm fooking freezin!!"

Napolean, surveying his amassed army as they march in formation towards him from high atop a hill settled in the saddle on his beautiful white horse, raises his hand above his head and calls “Halt”. To a man, with incredible precision brought about by years of training and fighting side-by-side, the whole army stand to attention: that is, all but one small soldier who carries on marching towards him. Thinking the man might not have heard him, Napoleon holds his hand up once again and, this time, calls loudly “Halt”. At this command, the little man throws his hat to the ground, drops his musket and his back-pack and roll and starts to run towards his master, unfastening his shirt as he goes. Napoleon, beginning to think the man is a fool, stands tall in the stirrups, cups his hands to his mouth and yells “HALT!” At this, the man sprints the last 50 yards until he is only 10 feet away from the great emperor. Exhausted by his exertions, he falls to his knees staring up into the now angry face of Napoleon. Napoleon, stares coldly at the soldier and says calmly and quietly “I said ‘halt’”. The little soldier looks up embarrassed and says “Oh…. I’m sorry….. I thought you said ‘Walt’”.

A penguin goes into a pub.
"Has my dad been in?" he asks the landlord.
"How do I know?" came the reply "Whats he look like?"

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground
and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw
Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy
take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story,
let's save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face
when you tell it tonight..'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing
the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away
on the oil rigs...'



Moral of the story
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

I was looking through to see if anyone had posted a particular joke and found this one from ComeOnYouUll - pmsl.

Anyway, couldn't find this so apologies if it's already been posted....

If you'd like to know who loves you more, your wife or your dog, lock them both in the car boot for half an hour: when you let them out, see which is the most pleased to see you!

Two blonds are watchin news footage of a man threatening to throw himself off a bridge.

Blond No.1 turns to Blond No.2 and says "I bet u £50 that he throws himself off the bridge".

Blond No.2 "OK, I'll bet u £50 the police talk him down to safety".

Sure enough the man throws himself off the bridge and Blond No.2 pays up.

About 1hour later Blond No.1 confesses to Blond No.2 that she had actually previously seen the footage earlier in the day.

Blond No.2 retorts "Oh thats OK so did I, but I didnt think he would do it again".

Two blondes walk into a building - you'd think one of them 'ud see it

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.


The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'


The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'


The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?


You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'


'Do you mean a rose?'


'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Cant remember if I have already done this one,ANYWAY...............

A bloke walks into a theatrical agent and tells him the dog he has with him can talk. The agent asks for a demonsration.
"What is sandpaper like?"
asks the bloke.
"Ruff" replies the dog.
"Come on,I need something better than that" says the agent.
"O.k." says the bloke to the dog,"Whats on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Thats it" said the agent as he kicked them out.
As the they were walking up the road the dog looked up and said "Do you think I should have said tiles?"

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For
Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie
in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and
Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get
in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in
settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya
bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no
calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though,
but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see
what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no
kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed
again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because
we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the
windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I
keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like
the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows
before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable
and hit the target - it's a piece of !! You don't even load your own
cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady
yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be
real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and
Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at
home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the
best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from
the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across
the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin'
wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in
quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Sheila