Start with,

" Good afternoon, thats the second time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand " !!

I said the best man was the sort of guy ' that if you lent him a £1000 and never saw him again , you would regard it as an investment'.

Good one i heard the other month at a wedding was the best man said to groom at the start of his speech..."put the brides hand on the table and put yours on top (the grooms)...he did his speech and at the end he said i told you to do that because thats the only time you will get the upper hand.

Ladies and Gentlemen, before we start Id like you all to stand and make a toast to the one person here today who everyone has commented on. How radiant, glowing, never stopped smiling, was the focus of the day and the one person this day couldnt have been the success it is without them. Ladies and Gentlemen....... The Best Man.

Joke used by my best man - more of a story:

I was at another wedding a few weeks back, sat with a couple with their son of about 6 or 7 years old.

During the speeches the young boy asked his dad, "why is that lady wearing a pretty white dress?". He replied, "Well son, that's becasue it's the happiest day of her life". "oh, ok" he replied, then he asked, "So why is that man next to her wearing black?",

To which he father siad.....
"Now you're learning son".

Best Man (my now brother in law): Welcome to the family Steph, and you're welcome to the bloody lot of 'em

Was at a wedding a few years ago and the best man had secretly distributed a load of keys to about 20 female guests at the wedding for them to hang onto until the speech.

About halfway through the speech he says:

Phil (the groom) has had a bit of a past but has finally decided to settle down and commit himself, and with this in mind, i've been asked if all the women who still have a spare key to his house, could they kindly return it and put it in this bowl....

It was quite amusing as approx 20 women queued up to place a key in a bowl.

One that was used at my wedding:

Nice to see that all the crockery bought as wedding presents is in the potato pattern.........its all chipped!!

Always worth confessing that you've been boning the bride for the last 2 years, or complementing her on her blow jobs

A mate started his speech with

' Myself and P+++ have been through quite alot together over the last 10 years.......thankfully none of these girls have turned up today'.