I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

Quality!!!

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

Two men on opposite sides of the world are thinking exactly the same thing.
One is tightrope walking, the other is having a blow job with a 86 year old woman.
What are they both thinking?

















"Don't look down, Don't look down"!!

So Shakespeare walks into a pub and the landlord says " you're Bard"

Jonothan Ross has been arreasted for stealing cooking utensils from Asda. He later stated hefelt "It was a whisk worth taking....."

I was in a pub quiz once and the question was asked "what's the name of the Greek mythological creature, half man, half beast?" Some guy (in a west Yorkshire accent) shouts out:- "BUFFALO BILL?" He won the quiz!

Stevie Wonder plays a 3 hour concert in tokyo. At the end he asks if there are any requests & a japanese man at the front shouts: "Play a jazz chord". So Stevie plays 15 minutes of perfect Harlem Jazz. Then the same man shouts: "No! Play a jazz chord". So Stevie says "If you can do better you slinty eyed bast#*d come up and have a go" So the Japanese man sits at the piano, picks up the microphone and sings....................................................






"A JAZZ CHORD TO SAY A RUV YOU......."

whats the difference between a hedgehog and a bus full of rovers fans?

All the pr1cks are on the inside