My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.

"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."

"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

And that was all the invitation I needed...

woman goes into the chemists and asks for a tube of veet hair removal cream.the chemist says ,when you`ve rubbed it on,don`t wear tights for a week,it`s not for my legs,it`s for my chihuahua,in that case says the chemist,don`t ride a bike for a month.

Two cowboys ride into town and hitch their horses to the rail.As they both dismount one walks around to the back of his horse and kisses its ass.
"Say Tex,why did you do that?" asks his partner.
"Well Hank,I have got chapped lips."
"Does that cure it?"
"No,but it as sure as hell stops me licking them."

Lost my job recently and quickly ran out of cash. I sent the wife out looking for tricks and after the first night she came back with £40 and 25 pence. I was a bit put out and asked “Who gave you 25 pence?” to which she replied “all of them”.

The judge pronounces “I hardly think, Mr Mouse, that your wife having bucked teeth is grounds for divorce”. Mickey says “I didn’t say she had bucked teeth, I said she was f00king Goofy”

Got a great Halloween costume...long blonde wig,Big gold chain,Tracksuit and a Big Cigar...that should scare the little sods.

Police investigating the Jimmy Saville abuse claims have said there could be a ring of paedophiles within the BBC and Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.

The Pakistani community of Rochdale have decided to honour Sir Jimmy Saville by erecting a life size statue of him at the cities central mosque to honour both his work with young girls and the inspiration he provided to Pakistani men

constipated mathematician,worked it out with a pencil.

if you want to lose your virginity,jim`ll fix it.

Bbc are bracing them selfs for more accusations after a witness has come forward and claimed he saw Rod Hull fisting a young bird

Ive heard jeremy beadles only got a small cock , but on the other hand its massive

Rangi Chase signs for Hull.

Here you go.

Always think before you complain......

These are genuine clips from Council Flat Tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their accommodation !!

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

3. It's the dog's mess and I find it hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and now it's getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. Please send the right man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problem with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we can not bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.