I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered,
'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

Two railway signal box operators whose shifts follow on from one to the next usually have a quick chat during their handover about how the day is going. Usually the conversation is pretty dull about how a certain train was late or the heating in the signal box was on the blink. One day, however, when Bert turns up to take on his shift he can see Fred can’t wait to tell him something. “Spit it out Fred, what is it?” Fred says “You’ll never believe it but I looked out of the window today and saw a young, naked girl tied to the track!”. “Never” says Bert. “Yes, and she was really fit.” “What did you do?” asks Bert. Well I untied her, brought her up here and I sh@gged her!” “Bloody hell” says Bert. “And then I turned her over and… you know…” says Fred. Bert almost dumbfounded with jealousy manages to blurt out “Did you get a blowjob?” to which Fred said “Oh................... I didn't find the head”.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Tesco.
The husband picks up a case of Stella and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them, there's a recession on afterall - we ought to be making cut-backs' demands the wife
Her husband retorts: 'Well start sucking my cock and we can get rid of the nanny.'

So..... someone punched Leona Lewis !! Oh well, keep bleeding, love !!











I'll get me coat !!

2 irish sailors standing on the deck of a submarine,when it starts to dive,paddy shouts jump mick,the buggers sinking

There was this Irish football manager who flooded the pitch so he could put his sub on.

Too much sickipedia for you! Those are practically right next to each other! They're all good jokes, though.

In East Hull they are so poor that if they don't have an erection when they wake up on Christmas morning, they have nothing to play with.

Even the women?