The wife and i watched 3 dvds back to back last night

I am glad I was the one facing the tv

Man comes home from work and catches his wife at it in bed with his best mate.

He flies into a rage, runs downstairs, grabs a carving knife and stabs his mate to death.

The wife looks at him and sighs - "if you carry on like that your not gonna have any mates left"

Two mates having a drink in the pub and one says to the other.

"Mate, ive got a big confession i need to tell you.
A few weeks ago i went round to your house, you werent in , your wife made me a cuppa,but one thing led to another and we made love in every room of the house, in every position possible and she did things to me ive never even dreamt of and now shes pregnant with my child, im sorry mate, but does this make you mad, does this now make us enemies"

His mate looks at him for a while, ponders then replies


"Nah mate, just makes us even"

"

Jimbob Rule.

One of Tommy Cooper's

Mathematicians have recently been proved wrong.....30 does go into 15



Did you hear about the gay magician? He vanished with a poof..!!

Just returned from a holiday of a lifetime
I'll never do that again

Passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder. The driver sh*ts himself, swerves, nearly hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window. "bloody hell, your jumpy aren't you? I only tapped you on the shoulder" the passenger replies. "Sorry" says the cabbie, " it's my first day. I've been driving a he for the past 20 years".

I accidentally used my donor card in the cash point machine this morning. It cost me an arm and a leg to get it back!

That works better if you get it right

Just returned from a ONCE in a lifetime holiday.

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning" he said. The other man replies "No, just having a 5hit"

This morning on the way to work i drove into the back of a car at the traffic lights whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got our and he was a dwarf. "I'm not happy" he said. I replied, "well which one are you then"

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of those mood rings so she could monitor the mood i am in. We discovered that, when i am in a good mood, it turns green and when i am in a bad mood, it leaves a big f00king red mark on her forehead!

Was it H1 HKR and was he on his mobile again ?

I went into my butchers the other day and he said to me 'you're pretty tall, but I bet you a tenner you still couldn't get that meat off the top shelf!'

'No I'm not gambling.' I replied, 'The steaks are too high.'