i was chatting a bird up last night she asked me if i had a nickname i replied ys they cakk me the sledge! she asked is it because your sleek and fast i said no it because i get pulled by dogs!

two flies land on a piece of shoite one spews up the other fly says do you mind im eatinfg my dinner!!

a cannibal is stood near a turd crying his eyes out another cannibal asks whats wrong? the cannibal replies ive just dumped my bird!!

Bbc are bracing them selfs for more accusations after a witness has come forward and claimed he saw Rod Hull fisting a young bird

Ive heard jeremy beadles only got a small cock , but on the other hand its massive

Rangi Chase signs for Hull.

Here you go.

Always think before you complain......

These are genuine clips from Council Flat Tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their accommodation !!

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

3. It's the dog's mess and I find it hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and now it's getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. Please send the right man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problem with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we can not bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.