I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.

Man says to girlfriend in an intimate moment,

"Can I smell your pussy"

She replied "No you certainly can't"

to which he retorted

"Oh it must be your feet then!"

130k for McDonnell.

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
Into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

... 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
Great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
From the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f**kin' liar......

I think I keep hearing the ghost of Robin Gibb at the bottom of my garden.



It's either that or it's jus the chives talking...

I went to a zoo the other day and all they had was one cage with a dog in it.

It was a shihtzu.

My old man got done for theft, he kept stealing for lollipop ladies at school crossings.

I should have seen it coming, all the signs were there....

tommy cooper classicsA guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.

A bloke was ing his secretary up the when his wife walks in...
She said "You can't do this to me"
He said, "I know, that's why i'm doing it to her"

My friends call me Captain Obvious.
It's because I'm always pointing out the obvious.

My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.

"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."

"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

And that was all the invitation I needed...