I accidentally used my donor card in the cash point machine this morning. It cost me an arm and a leg to get it back!

That works better if you get it right

Just returned from a ONCE in a lifetime holiday.

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning" he said. The other man replies "No, just having a 5hit"

This morning on the way to work i drove into the back of a car at the traffic lights whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got our and he was a dwarf. "I'm not happy" he said. I replied, "well which one are you then"

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of those mood rings so she could monitor the mood i am in. We discovered that, when i am in a good mood, it turns green and when i am in a bad mood, it leaves a big f00king red mark on her forehead!

Was it H1 HKR and was he on his mobile again ?

I went into my butchers the other day and he said to me 'you're pretty tall, but I bet you a tenner you still couldn't get that meat off the top shelf!'

'No I'm not gambling.' I replied, 'The steaks are too high.'

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a toilet and it had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked so i went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came over from the cubicle next to me: "hello mate, how're you doing?"

Although i thought it was a bit strange at first, I didnt want to be rude, so i replied "Not too bad thanks"

After a short pause, i heard the voice again, "So what are you up to?"

Again i answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick 5hit......how about you?"

The next thing I head him say was "Sorry mate, I'll have to give you a ring back, I've got some pr1ck in the cublicle next to me answering everything i say"

One I read on Facebook this morning

Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like God came down and highlighted all the important parts.

My pet mouse Elvis died today
he was caught in a trap

That made me laugh out loud!