Ok i have a solution to end the argument and make everyone happy.
There are no rules stating that he who attacks the middle must defend the middle, so the obvious answer would be to let the more creative player (Westerman) attack the middle having the option to attack the left or right side of the pitch, leaving Tickle to stay out on the right and attack the right edge.
Then when we are defending, Westerman moves out to the right to defend the right edge, leaving Tickle to defend the middle of the pitch.
( just like the halfbacks attack the middle but defend out on the edge )
Martha and co should be happy because we have a pivotal player attacking from loose forward.
East Hull fc should be happy because tickle is defending the and Westerman is wide right.
Hell even Standee should be happy because we are not following the norm and are doing it different to the rest
Nows sits back and waits for my theory to be shot down