Jonothan Ross has been arreasted for stealing cooking utensils from Asda. He later stated hefelt "It was a whisk worth taking....."

Two blonds are watchin news footage of a man threatening to throw himself off a bridge.

Blond No.1 turns to Blond No.2 and says "I bet u £50 that he throws himself off the bridge".

Blond No.2 "OK, I'll bet u £50 the police talk him down to safety".

Sure enough the man throws himself off the bridge and Blond No.2 pays up.

About 1hour later Blond No.1 confesses to Blond No.2 that she had actually previously seen the footage earlier in the day.

Blond No.2 retorts "Oh thats OK so did I, but I didnt think he would do it again".

Two blondes walk into a building - you'd think one of them 'ud see it

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.


The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'


The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'


The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?


You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'


'Do you mean a rose?'


'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Cant remember if I have already done this one,ANYWAY...............

A bloke walks into a theatrical agent and tells him the dog he has with him can talk. The agent asks for a demonsration.
"What is sandpaper like?"
asks the bloke.
"Ruff" replies the dog.
"Come on,I need something better than that" says the agent.
"O.k." says the bloke to the dog,"Whats on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Thats it" said the agent as he kicked them out.
As the they were walking up the road the dog looked up and said "Do you think I should have said tiles?"

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For
Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie
in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and
Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get
in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in
settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya
bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no
calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though,
but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see
what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no
kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed
again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because
we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the
windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I
keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like
the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows
before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable
and hit the target - it's a piece of !! You don't even load your own
cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady
yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be
real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and
Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at
home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the
best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from
the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across
the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin'
wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in
quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Sheila