What's brown and hides in attics?

The diarhoea of Anne Frank.

Excellent

No crap jokes please!

Shagged a deaf and dumb girl last night. Felt a bit embarrassed about it this morning, so I broke her fingers so she couldn't tell anyone!

[size=15012 of the best unintentional double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:[/size


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is the beautiful Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'


4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'


5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '


10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'


11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'


12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

another one off TV I cant remember who said it but,

"the batsmans Holding, the bolers willie"

that was classic brian johnson

Neil was about to go on his first date, so he asked his brother, the ladies man, for advice. "Give me some tips on how to talk to them."

"Here's the secret," said his brother, "Nice girls like to talk about three things: food, family, and philosophy. If you ask a girl what she likes to eat, it shows your intentions are honourable.
If you discuss philosophy, it shows you respect her intelligence."

"Gee, thanks," said Neil. "Food, family, philosophy. I can handle that."

That night as he met the young lady, Neil blurted out,

"Do you like cabbage?"

"Uh, no," said the puzzled girl.

"Do you have a brother?" asked Neil.

"No"

"Well, if you had a brother, would he like cabbage?"




Two elderly women meet at the solicitors after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

In response

A drunken man having had a bit to much to drink got up and said ''all HullFC fans are a$$holes''
Another man accross the bar says '' i resent that''
the first man then said'' why are you a HullFC fan?''
the second man replide'' no im an a$$hole'

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Tesco.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

lmao

Heres a cracker !!! viewtopic.php?t=433724

Heres a cracker !!! viewtopic.php?t=433724