Two Irishmen are making letter bombs. Pat says " Do you think I've put enought explosives in this envelope?" "Dunno" says Mick, "Open it and see!". "But it will explode!", says Pat. Mick says "Don't be fecking stupid - it's not addressed to you!"

Just got this from bloke at work so do not blame me. Warner brothers and libyan rebels have got together to produce another character to the looney tunes gang called Gadaffi Duck.

[size Mick Westerman [/size

Whats black with 2 broken arms?.



Colonel Gaddafi's sunglasses.

A bloke goes to his local golf club and books a lesson with the pro. They go out to the first tee and the pro says right take your stance, feet shoulder width and relax your arms and address the ball. Just then a blonde naked as the day she was born runs across the fairway.

What's that says the bloke? Never mind says the pro, just take your stance again, feet shoulder width address the ball. Just then four blokes in white coats with a straight jacket run across the fairway. What's going on says the guy? Never mind says the pro, just get everything back like you had it and address the ball. Just then another guy in a white coat runs across the fairway carrying two buckets of sand.

Come off it says the learner, what's going on?

OK says the pro, the blonde is a nymphomaniac in the institution over the other side of the wall. Every week she escapes and those guys with the white coats and straight jacket are trying to catch her.

What about the guy in the white coat with the two buckets of sand says the learner?

Oh says the pro, he caught her last week and that's his handicap.

I'll get me coat.

Pugwash.

Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger..
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin hael", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

The husband was in pure ecstasy .. a far-away, contented glaze in his eyes And a huge, gentle, knowing smile on his face as he softly murmured.

He was obviously, "totally in the moment" as his wife moved rapidly forward toward him.. Then equally rapidly, backwards away from him.

She was moving in that steady undulating rhythm that he had come to know so well .. First , teasingly rapidly forward, then slowly backwards only to be repeated with increasing pace And anxious determination. Again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Sometime in one long, steady, drawn-out motion... Sometimes in a series of short urgent Spurts of movement... But always keeping her focus on the same objective.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed... She was starting to sweat but she was So totally engrossed in the act that she never recognized it nor would she have cared Even if she had recognized it.. her focus was solely and totally upon her husband. Giving way to her inner feelings, she started to moan... At first, a soft, barely audible whimper Escaped her tightly pursed lips, then, her intensity and passion rising almost as rapidly As her inhibitions were escaping her, she abandoned all pretence. Her moans rising in volume, Frequency and intensity, she began to groan ever louder and louder. She began mumbling Several obscene phrases that would make a veteran sailor blush... She was totally oblivious To the world around her.

Finally, totally exhausted, she could control herself no longer .. She let out an almighty, ear-piercing scream and shouted,

"OK, OK!.... You're right !!! I CAN'T park the f...king car! ... You do it, you SMUG b@stard!"

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago, you would have £49.00 today!

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00...

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

Also, consider this;

A recent study found that the average British man walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that the British man drinks, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average,the British get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be British!

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh*t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: 'are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."

”Rubbish,” replied the young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head..

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his willy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."

[size----- FROM ROLLS ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE ----- [/size

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story).

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo 1."Defrost the chicken."[/size

Sometime after the Scottish Referendum:


David Cameron and Boris Johnson were breaking into a Scottish distillery one night.
David Cameron asked "Do you think this is whisky?"
Boris Johnson replied, "Pwobably not as whisky as wobbing a bank."

CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens . After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth, back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact, "SH*T" said Claude.

...It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens' and Claude was never invited back again!

The Priest was in the confessional box when a male parishioner entered the confessional.

"Forgive me Father because I have sinned."

"What did you do my Son" said the Priest. The parishioner replied that a new woman had moved into the village and he had had sex with her.

The Priest said "say 3 Hail Marys and God will forgive you, now go in Peace."

A second Parishioner then went into the confessional and said to the Priest "Forgive me Father because I have sinned."

"What is your sin" asked the Priest. The Parishioner replied that a New Woman had moved into the village and he had had sex with her.

"What is her name" asked the Priest. "Its Fanny Green" replied the Parishioner. "Well," said the Priest "say 10 Hail Marys and God will forgive you now go in Peace."

A third Parishioner then entered the Confessional and said "Forgive me Father because I have sinned." "How did you sin?" asked the Priest.

The Parishioner replied that a new woman had moved into the village and he had had sex with her. "Was her name Fanny Green?" asked the Priest.

"Yes it was" said the Parishioner. "Say 15 Hail Marys and God will forgive you" stated the Priest.

The Following Sunday during mass the Priest noticed a new woman dressed all in green with a very short skirt and highly polished green shoes sitting in the front row right in front of him.

The Priest bent down and whispered in the ear of an Altar Boy "is that Fanny Green?"

"I don’t think so, "said the Altar boy, "it is just a reflection from her shoes!"