A guy wearing a filthy old mac, goes into the sex shop and starts looking around furtively.

He approaches the counter and asks the assistant if he has "anything" white, about 12 inches long and about 3 inch girth ?


The assistant replies that he can probably find such a request in the back of the shop.


So the shopper tells him to go fetch it and light it as he has come to turn off the electric

a policeman pulls up a blonde for speeding . policeman says 'can i see your licencse please ' blonde person replies 'you policemen need to get your act together , you took my licencse off me the other day now you want me to show it to you !'

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Frank always looked on the bright side of life, no matter how horrible circumstances, he would always reply ''it could have been worse '' and then explain why. One day his friends got so annoyed with his optimism they decided to say something that could not be any worse. So, one day Frank and his friends went to the golf course and one said ''hey Frank did you hear about Tom? he found his wife with another man last night and shot his wife and the other man !'' and as normal Frank replied ''could have been worse '' his friend said '' how the hell could that have been worse ??'' so Frank said ''if it would have been the night before i would have been shot ''

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Subject: The duck and the lawyer

A Big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Stanthorpe. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Australia. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get on his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "O'kay, you old ****. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.!!

A bloke comes home from the pub one night and says to his wife, "Our milkman was in the local, bragging that he's shagged every bird on this street except one".

After a short pause the wife answers, "It'll be that stuck up cow from number thirty".

I request a motion to rename this thread the Greasley joke thread in hope that he stops sendin me the same jokes in text form an thus clogging up my inbox with unfunny sh*** jokes which i then recieve from my cousin who has also recieved these from Greasley.





Only jokin G-man

Newsflash!!!

Due to recent events Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand have been put on the Sachs offenders register

crackpot funny tho

Why does Santa have 3 gardens???































































So he can HO! HO! HO!

If a religious person who wears a turban who is looking for a piece of poo would they be a sikh a bab

trumpets

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I'm 96' said the old man.

'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough

so I don't pi.. on my slippers. '

Yesterday, I saw 4 pall bearers at 11:00 carrying an orange coffin around the local graveyard.

When I passed at 14:30 I saw them again.

I'm

sure

that

they

had

lost

the

plot

!!

An elderly couple, Mary Lou and Dale moved to Arizona

Dale always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his Mary Lou, 'Notice anything different about me?' Mary Lou looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Dale stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Mary Lou a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Mary Lou looked up and exclaimed, 'Dale, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious,Dale yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Mary Lou?' 'Nope', she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Mary Lou replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Dale. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Last week I checked into my hotel and I was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Heather, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.......... God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?'




She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

I'll get me coat!

Pugwash.

My mate fell into a vat full of oats and syrup and got in a panic, I said don't get in a flap jack

Two Irishmen are making letter bombs. Pat says " Do you think I've put enought explosives in this envelope?" "Dunno" says Mick, "Open it and see!". "But it will explode!", says Pat. Mick says "Don't be fecking stupid - it's not addressed to you!"