A bloke goes to his local golf club and books a lesson with the pro. They go out to the first tee and the pro says right take your stance, feet shoulder width and relax your arms and address the ball. Just then a blonde naked as the day she was born runs across the fairway.

What's that says the bloke? Never mind says the pro, just take your stance again, feet shoulder width address the ball. Just then four blokes in white coats with a straight jacket run across the fairway. What's going on says the guy? Never mind says the pro, just get everything back like you had it and address the ball. Just then another guy in a white coat runs across the fairway carrying two buckets of sand.

Come off it says the learner, what's going on?

OK says the pro, the blonde is a nymphomaniac in the institution over the other side of the wall. Every week she escapes and those guys with the white coats and straight jacket are trying to catch her.

What about the guy in the white coat with the two buckets of sand says the learner?

Oh says the pro, he caught her last week and that's his handicap.

I'll get me coat.

Pugwash.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."

”Rubbish,” replied the young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head..

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his willy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."

[size----- FROM ROLLS ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE ----- [/size

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story).

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo 1."Defrost the chicken."[/size

Sometime after the Scottish Referendum:


David Cameron and Boris Johnson were breaking into a Scottish distillery one night.
David Cameron asked "Do you think this is whisky?"
Boris Johnson replied, "Pwobably not as whisky as wobbing a bank."

CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens . After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth, back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact, "SH*T" said Claude.

...It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens' and Claude was never invited back again!

The Priest was in the confessional box when a male parishioner entered the confessional.

"Forgive me Father because I have sinned."

"What did you do my Son" said the Priest. The parishioner replied that a new woman had moved into the village and he had had sex with her.

The Priest said "say 3 Hail Marys and God will forgive you, now go in Peace."

A second Parishioner then went into the confessional and said to the Priest "Forgive me Father because I have sinned."

"What is your sin" asked the Priest. The Parishioner replied that a New Woman had moved into the village and he had had sex with her.

"What is her name" asked the Priest. "Its Fanny Green" replied the Parishioner. "Well," said the Priest "say 10 Hail Marys and God will forgive you now go in Peace."

A third Parishioner then entered the Confessional and said "Forgive me Father because I have sinned." "How did you sin?" asked the Priest.

The Parishioner replied that a new woman had moved into the village and he had had sex with her. "Was her name Fanny Green?" asked the Priest.

"Yes it was" said the Parishioner. "Say 15 Hail Marys and God will forgive you" stated the Priest.

The Following Sunday during mass the Priest noticed a new woman dressed all in green with a very short skirt and highly polished green shoes sitting in the front row right in front of him.

The Priest bent down and whispered in the ear of an Altar Boy "is that Fanny Green?"

"I don’t think so, "said the Altar boy, "it is just a reflection from her shoes!"