Yesterday, I saw 4 pall bearers at 11:00 carrying an orange coffin around the local graveyard.

When I passed at 14:30 I saw them again.

I'm

sure

that

they

had

lost

the

plot

!!

An elderly couple, Mary Lou and Dale moved to Arizona

Dale always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his Mary Lou, 'Notice anything different about me?' Mary Lou looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Dale stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Mary Lou a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Mary Lou looked up and exclaimed, 'Dale, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious,Dale yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Mary Lou?' 'Nope', she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Mary Lou replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Dale. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Last week I checked into my hotel and I was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Heather, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.......... God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?'




She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

I'll get me coat!

Pugwash.

My mate fell into a vat full of oats and syrup and got in a panic, I said don't get in a flap jack

Two Irishmen are making letter bombs. Pat says " Do you think I've put enought explosives in this envelope?" "Dunno" says Mick, "Open it and see!". "But it will explode!", says Pat. Mick says "Don't be fecking stupid - it's not addressed to you!"

Just got this from bloke at work so do not blame me. Warner brothers and libyan rebels have got together to produce another character to the looney tunes gang called Gadaffi Duck.

[size=200 Mick Westerman [/size

Whats black with 2 broken arms?.



Colonel Gaddafi's sunglasses.

A bloke goes to his local golf club and books a lesson with the pro. They go out to the first tee and the pro says right take your stance, feet shoulder width and relax your arms and address the ball. Just then a blonde naked as the day she was born runs across the fairway.

What's that says the bloke? Never mind says the pro, just take your stance again, feet shoulder width address the ball. Just then four blokes in white coats with a straight jacket run across the fairway. What's going on says the guy? Never mind says the pro, just get everything back like you had it and address the ball. Just then another guy in a white coat runs across the fairway carrying two buckets of sand.

Come off it says the learner, what's going on?

OK says the pro, the blonde is a nymphomaniac in the institution over the other side of the wall. Every week she escapes and those guys with the white coats and straight jacket are trying to catch her.

What about the guy in the white coat with the two buckets of sand says the learner?

Oh says the pro, he caught her last week and that's his handicap.

I'll get me coat.

Pugwash.

Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger..
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin hael", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

The husband was in pure ecstasy .. a far-away, contented glaze in his eyes And a huge, gentle, knowing smile on his face as he softly murmured.

He was obviously, "totally in the moment" as his wife moved rapidly forward toward him.. Then equally rapidly, backwards away from him.

She was moving in that steady undulating rhythm that he had come to know so well .. First , teasingly rapidly forward, then slowly backwards only to be repeated with increasing pace And anxious determination. Again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Sometime in one long, steady, drawn-out motion... Sometimes in a series of short urgent Spurts of movement... But always keeping her focus on the same objective.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed... She was starting to sweat but she was So totally engrossed in the act that she never recognized it nor would she have cared Even if she had recognized it.. her focus was solely and totally upon her husband. Giving way to her inner feelings, she started to moan... At first, a soft, barely audible whimper Escaped her tightly pursed lips, then, her intensity and passion rising almost as rapidly As her inhibitions were escaping her, she abandoned all pretence. Her moans rising in volume, Frequency and intensity, she began to groan ever louder and louder. She began mumbling Several obscene phrases that would make a veteran sailor blush... She was totally oblivious To the world around her.

Finally, totally exhausted, she could control herself no longer .. She let out an almighty, ear-piercing scream and shouted,

"OK, OK!.... You're right !!! I CAN'T park the f...king car! ... You do it, you SMUG b@stard!"