It turns out that the pilot on a recent trip to Helsinki was a bit of a magician, after walking up the steps onto the aeroplane he vanished into Finn Air.    

You don’t know what “TENJOOBERRYMUDS” means do you? You will after reading this

I was recently in London and decided to learn Vietnamese, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds. My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.

In order to continue getting-by in London we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in London .......

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service.

"Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???

"Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please.... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ..... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

The Regimental Dance:

Good evening Mrs, Ponsonby-Smythe, where does your husband serve?

He's a General in the East Africa Rifles'

Really, is he black?

No, but his Privates are.

OHHH!, how exotic.

I just got pulled over by a traffic cop. I got out of my car and he walked over to me and said 'What's your problem?' I said Tourettes now Fu@k off!

The wife is winding me up again i would knock her teeth out if i knew which draw they was in!!

Cleaning out the Attic last week with the Wife!Filthy,dirty covered in cobwebs but shes good with the kids!!

Went to a guest house in Blackpool The landlady stuck her head out of the top window
"What do you want?"
I wanna stay here,
She said well stay there
and shut the window..

Little lad in the bath with his nan!!!
"whats that in betweeen ya legs Nan??
Oh thats mi Hedgehog son!!
Oh it must be Dead All its guts are Hanging out..

Two slags talking one says,
Have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz??
No but ive been swung round by mi Tits!

which reminds me, what does a Warrington girl say after sex?

"quick, go back to your room before our Mum and Dad find out"

Body builder goes to the doctor and says that since he has been taking steroids, he had grown another willy. "Anabolic?" asks the doctor, "no just a willy" says the body builder.

My mother-in-law came in to work at lunch today and I must admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her.

I'm an undertaker.

Just bought FIFA 12 and I already noticed a glitch, when you play away at Wigan Athletic they have a full stadium.