man goes to a bar and gets a pint he sees a bowl of peanuts on the side and goes to dig in then hears a voice that says "my aren't you handsome and you smell delightful" he then a bit confused reaches into his pocket for a cigarette then realizes he left them at home so goes over to the cig machine puts his money in and presses his selection then a voice again says "you are so ugly even your mother doesn't like you and you stink!" confused he walks back to the bar and asks the bar man whats the deal with the voices. the bartender says "sorry i should have told you the peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is just out of order!"

A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer.

The cop replies, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"

Went asda with the girlfriend saturday and right out the blue she called me a lazy f**king t""t.

I almost fell out the trolly.

What do Mexicans put under their carpet?

Two flies eating a turd.

One fly farts, the other says "do you mind, i'm eating".

2 flies sat on Brian Nobles lip. One said I'll race u to the other side. Quick as a flash they set off. As the first fly got to the other side he was astonished to find his mate already there. How did u get here so fast? he asked.
I took a sort cut round the back of his head!!

Found my first grey pube today.

This sort of thing doesnt usually bother me but it was in a Greggs sausage roll!!

Let me think, joke, joke, how abouts ,

Woman's rights?

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.""Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!""Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.""Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old."No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all.""So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?""No, I have one every morning at 6:30."Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?""I don't wake up until 7:00."

I hate being bipolar, its amazing.

Two cows in a field.

One says "moo".

The other one says "you b*stard, I was going to say that".




I love the off season, me.

A DAY AT THE RACES



A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the children up, one by one, holding their thingys to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in Year Four.'



"No, love," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

What's brown and sticky?






Anal

Two flies sat on a turd ,one said "I've not seen you for a couple of weeks" the other said "I know I've been on the sick"

Two flies were sat on a toilet seat, one got pi$$ed off.