A Rugby League fan is drinking in a Wigan pub, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the pub, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Wigan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in Wigan... like I said, my boy's a
typical Wigan baby boy. Gonna be a rugby League player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the pub. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Wigan
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'


The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The Wigan man takes a slow swig of his Boddingtons,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says…….

I have just had him circumcised

roses are
violets are
life is

im a pessimist

"Doctor, Doctor! I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass!"

"Sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."
-----------------
Is there anything in the world a bigger waste of money than a fat girl with a nice hair do?

-----------------
I've just seen the 2012 Warrington Wolves calendar. I must say, it is rather explicit - there's a c**t on every page!

-----------------
My wife thinks I've got erectile dysfunction.

I think she's fat.

the missus came home steaming drunk last night . "you up for some roleplay action babe??" she asked with a wink . "Not really i replied , "oh come on" she said "we can act out any scene from any film you want" . Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face i noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake . Where i had previously seen arrousal in her eyes i now only saw blind terror as i shouted "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicked her down the stairs

Police in MERSEYSIDE are investigating a burglary at the Langtree Park Stadium in St Helens. Amongst other areas, the trophy room appears to have been a significant target. Police are asking for witnesses and say they are looking for a purple carpet!

The Mrs just came home from the Doctors in tears saying the Doctor is a pervert because he said 'he thinks she might have a nice f@nny'.

So I stormed off round the Doctors and gripped him round the throat and said

"Why the bloody hell are you saying my Mrs might have a nice f@nny???!!!!!"

Doctor said "I didn't, I said she might have acute angina".


Police in Scotland are investigating after a cat was sexually abused in Glasgow, apparantly it's the first time a Scotsman has put anything in a kitty. Sorry Captain 13 and Edinburgh Warrior etc

Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of Irelands oldest man. He was 193 and called Miles from Dublin.

Said to a girl in the pub last night"you remind me of my little Toe"
"Is that because i am Small and cute"
No its because i will end up banging you on the coffee table later!!



Excuse me love have you got a mirror in your back pocket??
no why ??
its just cos i can see myself in ya knickers!!



Giving a bird one she says you have only got a small organ??
I said i know its never played in a cathederal before!!

Just heard that the Manchester clubs are jointly releasing a fragrance for Christmas: Channel No.5

a woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks the barman for a 'double entendre', so he gave her one.

granddad was afraid of change. if anything, that just made us throw it harder.

a minicab driver and a microbiologist. which is smallest?

the most disappointing thing about being sent to a POW camp is that they don't teach you to fight like batman

why did the genetic scientist cross the road with a chicken

"i'm watching a film made by emo kids"
"the directors cut?"
"I think they all are"

i was woken up this morning by birds tweeting outside, so i unfollowed them

i've written a new book about poltergeists, it's flying off the shelves.

i used to disagree with organ donation, but now i've had a change of heart

i'm 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon, unfortunately i'm starting to flag quite badly

i went to my assertiveness class today, but the room was double booked, ah well

my new girlfriend is a stunner, i've always had a thing for women who work in abattoirs.

just seen two people arguing about pluperfect and imperfect, it was a tense situation.

there's one thing i don't like about halloween which is...

its annoying when you go to a party and someone else is wearing the same outfit as you, i guess that's just part of being a siamese twin.

i just met a man who reminded me of my brother, he said "don't forget your brother".

Snoop Dogg's producing Chas & Dave's new single.

It's called "Knees up motherf***er"

Bloke gets stopped by a traffic cop. "Can you please blow into this bag, sir?"

"Sorry, officer I can't do that" he says. "I have chronic asthma, and so I can't blow into that bag long enough for you to get an accurate reading"

"In that case," said the rozzer, "can you come down to the station so we can take a blood sample?"

"Sorry, officer I can't do that" says the motorist. "I'm haemaphiliac, so if you try and take blood from me, it won't clot and I will bleed to death"

"In that case," said the pig, who by now is getting exasperated, "can you get out of the car, and walk in a straight line"

"Sorry officer, I can't do that..."

"Why the hell not?" yells the filth "Come on! You can't give a breath sample cos you're asthmatic, you can't give a blood sample because you might bleed to death and now you won't walk in a straight line. Why????"

Bloke replies "Cos I'm p155ed!"

That made me chuckle

What's the difference between a scouse woman and a walrus?

Ones big, fat, hairy and stinks of fish and the other is a walrus!

Bloke walks into a car showroom and tells the salesman that his wife wants to talk to him about the Golf in the window.

"We've not got a Golf in the window" says the salesman

Bloke replies "Er... you have now."

The Police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said "Is this your wife sir?"

Shocked, I answered "Yes"

They said "It looks like she's been hit by a bus"

I said "I know but she's good with the kids"