Scientific fact of the day ! The heavier the woman the easier they are to pick !

I was at a party once and telling loads of jokes. A really big woman came over to me a started to shout at me! She said you're racist, sexist and fatist!! I said I might be racist and sexist but you are definitely fattest!!

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.



He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.




This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.



Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight get!"

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
He stood looking out the windows of his palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her
and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even
looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It
must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the
Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

only one that's made me laugh from these 4 pages is the light aircraft irish cemetary one


classic stuff bigredwarrior!!


Guy went to the butchers and said '3 pounds of sausages please'!! butcher replied 'its Kilo's now' Guy said 'well give me 3 pounds of fkn Kilo's then!!!

Lump of sheite walks into a bar and the barman said 'sorry, i can't serve you... the lump of sheite said "why not? the barman replied 'because you're steaming!"

Why are Black men so tall? Because theyre Negroes. (is that ok)

Hear about the irish fella that tried to iron his curtains? he fell out the window.

1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen
table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of s saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist s. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the bloody thing!

3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks
him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".

4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed
six people in the in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.

5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could
eat it!

6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break
and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is
angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear
and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have
their pick nicked."

7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm
sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on
the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of
you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world,
swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It
came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat

last week i was out with a mate of mine and he ended up drinking a tin of Brasso, unfortunately he died but he had a lovely finish!

I went up to a bird at the bar and said 'can i get you a drink'? she said "actually im seeing another man" i said 'have you tried contact lenses!?

You can tell some people have been pulling the xmas crackers early

1. Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved,
its all tongue and groove...




2 . Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have
announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...



3. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest,
but explaining they were not a dating agency...

Bloke out on a Friday night using all his charm to pick up a good looking girl, he says I was going to tell you a story about my dick, but its too long!....
Thats ok she says I was going to tell you one about my fanny but you will never get it!


The wife just ran into the living room screaming at me
" you have given me the crabs you b*****d"
woah woah woah, I shouts back, "I think you need to have a word with your sister!"

I recently bought some of that 007 viagra...
its true it does make you Roger Moore

A Rugby League fan is drinking in a Wigan pub, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the pub, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Wigan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in Wigan... like I said, my boy's a
typical Wigan baby boy. Gonna be a rugby League player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the pub. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Wigan
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'


The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The Wigan man takes a slow swig of his Boddingtons,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says…….

I have just had him circumcised

roses are
violets are
life is

im a pessimist

"Doctor, Doctor! I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass!"

"Sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."
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Is there anything in the world a bigger waste of money than a fat girl with a nice hair do?

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I've just seen the 2012 Warrington Wolves calendar. I must say, it is rather explicit - there's a c**t on every page!

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My wife thinks I've got erectile dysfunction.

I think she's fat.

the missus came home steaming drunk last night . "you up for some roleplay action babe??" she asked with a wink . "Not really i replied , "oh come on" she said "we can act out any scene from any film you want" . Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face i noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake . Where i had previously seen arrousal in her eyes i now only saw blind terror as i shouted "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicked her down the stairs

Police in MERSEYSIDE are investigating a burglary at the Langtree Park Stadium in St Helens. Amongst other areas, the trophy room appears to have been a significant target. Police are asking for witnesses and say they are looking for a purple carpet!