ITV Floodlit Competition:
Winners (once): 1955–56

I knew theyd won something just couldn't remember what it was

Oh I just cant compete with this kind of wit, did you pay Johnny Vaughan to come up with that one liner? No wonder he can only get a gig in Mudlarks on the History channel.

It's been pretty quiet on here from Wire fans since Grand Final night.

Maybe they've been visiting Rome?

Yeah. That one worked.

How so?

I'm not btw.

Just Found This an Hour ago and im still laughing

Warrington has a population of 200,000 and at least 40% are certified chavs with the numbers still growing. I have spent several years studying this fascinating species and can now confirm that there are two distinct groups of scally in Warrington, the natural chavs and the wannabe chavs and my detailed study is outlined below.

Firstly, the chavs in Warrington are genetically “superior” to both humans and other UK scallies in that they can reproduce at five times the rate of lesser beings. The average pregnancy lasts less than six months and through a rigorous diet of Lidl frozen food and smoking, a Warrington chav is capable of producing a litter of up to 18 young during their 45-year lifetime.

Chav babies are capable of breeding from the age of 10 and as most females don’t reach menopausal age, Warrington scallies are effectively baby machines from cradle to grave. The race is evolving at such a rate that some young are even born wearing jewellery and sporting Henry Lloyd stripy jumpers.

It is law in Warrington for every chav to have at least 6 tattoos and for females, this MUST include one on the small of the back which is usually their name spelled out in Chinese writing. This is handy in the unlikely event that said chav gets lost in the back streets of Beijing, because at least the locals will know that the urchin in their midst is named Chantelle Chardonnay, unless of course the tattoo really just says “Tw*t”.

Against the grain of most animals in nature, it is the female who is brightly coloured in order to attract a mate. The favoured chav colours are orange and blonde and the general rule is the brighter, the better. The orange look is usually achieved by spending 20 hours a week prostrate in one of the plethora of tanning salons dotted about town, although if the giro won’t stretch to this, then a similar and equally stunning look can be achieved by marinating in several litres of fake tan, usually purchased from B&M Bargains.

Like domestic pigs, the Warrington chaver female comes in both standard farmyard and pot-bellied forms and the male chav bafflingly finds the latter more attractive and insists that his partner wears tight-fitting and revealing outfits which accentuate her “curves”.

Similar to pandas with bamboo, the chavs have a staple food source that they simply couldn’t live without and this is a local delicacy referred to as “chip butties”. The great potato famine of 1985 all but wiped out the Warrington chavs. Dead and dying scallies lay writhing in the streets like the final scene from “28 Days Later”. This led to the launching of “Chav Aid” which is now largely forgotten by the public as it ran at the same time as “Live Aid”. It carried the slogan “Your donation will be enough to keep a family of 12 in cider and fags for a whole week”. It was a huge success and the few survivors quickly bred the numbers back up to previous levels.

The second strain of chaver in Warrington is the young, middle class scally that although born a human being and from a well-to-do family, yearns to be accepted by the burgeoning scum that pour from some of the less salubrious parts of town. These half-breed chavs penetrate the leafy suburbs that normal scallies would only enter when lost on their way back from the chippy. They have jobs and money of their own and parents who provide them with their every chav need. They bear all the characteristics of your type 1 chav – clothing, jewellery, aggression, etc they just have more money and better teeth.

Because they are not innately scum, these scals have to exaggerate their chavness in an effort to fit in. This involves accent modification which means that even posh knobs from Appleton and Martinscroft can sound like proper Longford scum. Also, every sentence is emphasised by vigorous and unnecessary hand movements and punctuated with one of several street phrases such as “innit” or “knowotImean”. Their favourite pastimes include smashing the glass in bus stops, playing loud scally music at 24-hour garages and hanging around in gangs of 70 on street corners or outside pubs.

The epicentre of type 1 Chavdom in Warrington is Densham Ave in Longford. It’s like Basra but with more kids and comes complete with bombed out and steeled up houses and a background of sirens and small arms fire sounding off throughout the day. Other old school chaver strongholds include Dallam, Orford, Bewsey and Latchford, whilst the wannabe scum are finding particular success in the plush suburbs of Woolston, Culcheth, Stockton Heath, Grappenhall and Lymm.

The centre of their social world is bar in the town centre called “Tiger Too”. Inside is a confusing mass of horizontal stripes from the obligatory Lacoste and Ralph Lauren polo shirts and jumpers. The regulars all drink “fishbowls” which funnily enough are fishbowls filled with 10 shots of vodka and 2 cans of red bull, then after blinging it to some “phat DJ choons” they stagger off to the infamous Mr Smith’s nightclub to throw bottles at each other for two hours in preparation for the mass brawl that invariably breaks out at 2am.

The town itself is very pleasant and affluent and the non-chav inhabitants are the greatest people in the world. Therefore, rather than be forced out of my town, which I am fiercely proud and very defensive of, I have chosen to stay and fight the battle with the scum through non-violent means. I use my insight gained over several years studying this species to educate others. A persistent regime of ridicule is applied to any friend or relative who I believe to be either turning into or harbouring a chav and if people adopt this strategy then we should be able to contain the spread if not eradicate it all together.

I feel that an active program of sterilisation would give us a winning advantage and this could be achieved by a blanket covering of microwave radiation over known chav hotspots or the simple spiking of the town’s chip supply. Together we can win this war, so people of Warrington unite and rid the streets of this stripy menace.

why have you nearly drowned in australia in the last 2 weeks

I'm more concerned that Wire played like us to be honest - if they do that consistently it might be the long talked about year of the wolf for the silver free zone

This report is clearly just a bit of Propaganda in order to try and rev up the fans before the season starts. Wire will have trained, shown them how Wigan attack (which lets face it, is the same moveevery time. Work one channel with 3-4 drives, then out the half back, a DX out to the other half back with another X to the full back who either has the space or flicks it out to the wing). Anyway I digress. They will have done that, watched a few clips and gone home. I doubt Tony is actually d about the WCC, I know I'm not :S


Just like boxers before a fight. Just talking it up.

Wigan only have one move
Tony Smith isn't d about the WCC
You're not d about the WCC

Good work Captain Bull

Looks like a publicity stunt to me. Trouble is for Wire the publicity is negative as trying to undermine a SL clubs attempt to win the WCC just looks petty given your own team lost to them in the GF.

But it isn't "a conspiracy" or "a load of rubbish" Your coach is quoted as saying you played like wigan to help them in their preparations for the WCC. Doesn't sound like a conspiracy to me, sounds like clear facts.

Do you not think its poor for your club to help an Australian side in their preparations for this game at the expense of another British club. Also what do you think is to be gained from Warrington Simulating another teams tactics during their own pre season training camp, do you not feel they would be better served putting their own plans in place?

What do we owe you?
Why are you so special?
You do know Sydney have electricity and access to a dvd player?

We may have helped them but it was just a training camp, I'm pretty sure it wasn't something put in place the day after the GF loss to show you up.

Wane is acting like a tart and this just looks desperate.

You've got to admit it would have been hilarious.... Ryan, you're Goulding; Chris, be Charnley; Ritchie, you're Smith; Mickey, you're still Micky; Simon, try your best for a Lockers. Hang on, anyone know who Wigan's 4 and 5 are?

Who would Bennie Westwood play?, be carefull in answering that or you may be in danger of upsetting some fine upstanding young Wigan player.