A skeleton goes into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of larger and a mop

Would have read better if it was LAGER, instead of reading as 'something bigger than'

I saw an advert in the paper yesterday, 'Yacht for sale'.
As if people don't know what a yacht's for.


"I hope Santa gets me a nice new diamond bracelet for Christmas," my wife said, winking at me.
I said, "I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you love. I don't think he exists."

I was being chased by 'The Count' from 'Sesame Street'.
I dodged into a field of sheep and managed to escape while he fell asleep.    

Sean Connery returns home to find all of his electrical equipment gone and his car replaced with a horse and trap.
"Shomething is Amish here", he thought.

Trannys Love xmas They can Eat Drink and be Mary

Two snowmen in a field one turns round to the other "hey mate, can you smell carrots?"

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

What do u call a fish with no eyes?


A fsh!

Authorities in Ireland are investigating the worst air disaster in their history after a 2 seater light aircraft crashed into a cemetery. A spokesman said that so far, 43 bodies have been recovered but they expect to find hundreds more!!

Just had my water bill through - £175! Oxfam say they can supply water to a whole village in Africa for £2 a month - going to change suppliers, I think.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

waht are you shaking for, she's going to eat me!!!

I'm here all week

How can you tell when a Wigan lass has an orgasm? She drops her pie




cant be any worse than some of the others!

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in St Helens?

Do you want to know HOW I know? If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a TEETHbrush

So, the plane's about the crash and everyone knows they're going to die.

Suddenly a woman stands up, rips her top off, and shouts "I need a MAN to make me feel like a woman one last time"

Bloke stands up, rips his top off and shouts "here love, iron this"

My wife is going to have a fit when she see's the amount of christmas lights I have put up.




She's epileptic

Started my job as a bus diver today, not gone well !

A stunning blonde got on the bus with big tits and she said are you going to oldham ?

She didnt have to ask twice , back to the job centre it is !