Two cows in a field.

One says "moo".

The other one says "you b*stard, I was going to say that".




I love the off season, me.

A DAY AT THE RACES



A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the children up, one by one, holding their thingys to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in Year Four.'



"No, love," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

What's brown and sticky?






Anal

Two flies sat on a turd ,one said "I've not seen you for a couple of weeks" the other said "I know I've been on the sick"

Two flies were sat on a toilet seat, one got pi$$ed off.

A skeleton goes into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of larger and a mop

Would have read better if it was LAGER, instead of reading as 'something bigger than'

I saw an advert in the paper yesterday, 'Yacht for sale'.
As if people don't know what a yacht's for.


"I hope Santa gets me a nice new diamond bracelet for Christmas," my wife said, winking at me.
I said, "I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you love. I don't think he exists."

I was being chased by 'The Count' from 'Sesame Street'.
I dodged into a field of sheep and managed to escape while he fell asleep.    

Sean Connery returns home to find all of his electrical equipment gone and his car replaced with a horse and trap.
"Shomething is Amish here", he thought.

Trannys Love xmas They can Eat Drink and be Mary

Two snowmen in a field one turns round to the other "hey mate, can you smell carrots?"

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

What do u call a fish with no eyes?


A fsh!

Authorities in Ireland are investigating the worst air disaster in their history after a 2 seater light aircraft crashed into a cemetery. A spokesman said that so far, 43 bodies have been recovered but they expect to find hundreds more!!

Just had my water bill through - £175! Oxfam say they can supply water to a whole village in Africa for £2 a month - going to change suppliers, I think.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

waht are you shaking for, she's going to eat me!!!

I'm here all week