a woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks the barman for a 'double entendre', so he gave her one.

granddad was afraid of change. if anything, that just made us throw it harder.

a minicab driver and a microbiologist. which is smallest?

the most disappointing thing about being sent to a POW camp is that they don't teach you to fight like batman

why did the genetic scientist cross the road with a chicken

"i'm watching a film made by emo kids"
"the directors cut?"
"I think they all are"

i was woken up this morning by birds tweeting outside, so i unfollowed them

i've written a new book about poltergeists, it's flying off the shelves.

i used to disagree with organ donation, but now i've had a change of heart

i'm 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon, unfortunately i'm starting to flag quite badly

i went to my assertiveness class today, but the room was double booked, ah well

my new girlfriend is a stunner, i've always had a thing for women who work in abattoirs.

just seen two people arguing about pluperfect and imperfect, it was a tense situation.

there's one thing i don't like about halloween which is...

its annoying when you go to a party and someone else is wearing the same outfit as you, i guess that's just part of being a siamese twin.

i just met a man who reminded me of my brother, he said "don't forget your brother".

Bloke from Wigan wins the lottery. He decides he want to have a statue of his dog so he goes to the jewellers and asks how much a solid gold statue of a dog would be.

The jeweller asks "Do you want it eighteen carat?"

No I'll just have it chewing a bone.

I was directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene. Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing theatre needs, others think that I ruined the nativity.



.
Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.

After a visit to the local "house of ill repute", a man notices green lumps on his testicles so off he goes to see the doctor.

"This is serious", says the doctor, "You know how wrestlers get caulflower ears?"

"Yes", admits the man, nodding seriously.

"Well", says the doctor, "You have brothel sprouts".
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The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

I was in the toilet on the train the other day
and the conductor knocked on the door
and said can i see
your ticket please i said not right now
i am having s h i t
he said i don't believe you push it under the door
i said OK but the yellow bits are sweetcorn