Customer: " excuse me , but how come this tiny,tiny little handbag cost so much?"

Cashier: "Its made of foreskin madam. When you lick it , it becomes a suitcase " !

what do you do if a bird craps on your windscreen?

finish with her.

Just had an appointment with a fortune teller. She told me a lot of money is coming my way. I left all excited - and got hit by a ing securicor van!!

[iHeard a poor one tonight.[/i

Went to the cash machine, it said insufficient funds. Wasn't sure if it meant them or me.

your right it was poor

bloke runs in the pub eh harry get ya self outside theres a bird doin it with every fella she can get her hands on,
harry legs it outside and waits his turn in the queue,jumps in the back of the car and starts pumping away at the bird,just then a policeman peeks through the window,may i ask what you are doin sir?
sorry officer just making love to the wife,
sorry sir didnt realise it was your wife,
neither did i till you shone that bloody torch officer.......

Jimmy has been a lover of tractors ever since he was a child. He had Tractor Posters, Tractor Wallpaper, Tractor Duvet's, The lot. He gets a job as a farmer when he is 25 and loves his job. When he was 30, he left his job after getting bored of tractors. he gets rid of all his old tractor posters, the lot. One day as he is walking down the street he see's a building with a lot of gas coming out of it. Knowing that he needs to help, Jimmy charges into the building and breathes in all of the smoke and walks free and safe. When the police are questioning him they say to him "How on earth did you do that and stay safe!?" Jimmy Replies "you see, im an ex-tractor fan..."


A blonde goes into a curtain shop and asks the assistant if she can have some curtains. The assistant asks how big she wants them. The blonde replies "Just 30x30 cm" The assistant says "Do You only have small windows?" The blonde replies "no, its for my computer room" Assistant replies "Do you have a small window in there then?" Blonde replies "No, my computer has windows..."

Im Here all week

a bloke goes into his doctors with a frog coming out of his ear,
what the bloody hell is that says his doctor,dunno says the frog it started as a boil on mi bum.........................

I bet most of these were off the back of a Penguin wrapper...

a blonde says to her brunette friend,
"this rise in petrol prices does'nt really affect me, i only ever put £30 quid in"

did you hear about the scarecrow who won an award?
he was outstanding in his field.

i'll just get me coat........

little lad says to his mum
mum, what is testicles bollox she replies
bollox to you he says,ill go an ask mi dad.


little boy says to his nan
nan will you make a noise like a frog,
why asks his nan,
mi dad said when you croak we can all go florida........

Just had a chinese. Nearly died when i seen a little pair of eyes looking out of the noodles. Turns out it was the peeking duck