I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

how do you make a woman blind?????????


stick a steering wheel in front of her

i once went out with a girl with eczema she had cracking tits

First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a ."

The Man United fan who ran onto the pitch during the Manchester derby has been banned from football for three years......... Which isn't so bad, when you realise it's just one home game plus injury time.

After years of searching for him, America has finally offered $100,000,000 for Bin Laden......... Man City have offered $105,000,000

What's hit more balls than David Beckhams right foot? Jordan's chin.

If Derren Brown is so amazing, why doesn't he hypnotise us all so we don't think he is a c---.

zookeeper said to paddy,"The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider it for £500?" Paddy has a think "i will but on 3 conditions 1st i'm not kissng it 2nd my family never find out and 3rd you'll have to wait a couple of weeks to give me time to get the money together"

How do you get a fat bird into bed? Piece of cake.

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying on an Aer Lingus plane.
The son asked his mother,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the air hostess.
So the little lad walks up to the galley and asks the air hostess,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The air hostess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Aer Lingus always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you."

There was a similar one about a female relative constantly sponging money off me, so I took her to the red light district, with the distinct orders of "£50 oral, £100 full sex, £150 anything kinky," only for her to knock on the car door ten minutes later asking for me to lend her another £30...