valhalla isnt at alton towers

but yeah, valhalla was good when we went

at a Year 11 prom at my first school as a teacher me and my science teacher mate very drunk peeing up against the black glass of the posh hotel the do was at, only to find out that we couldn't see through the black glass into the ballroom where the event was, but that all the students and staff had been watching us through the glass stagger across the lawn and up against the glass to relieve ourselves. a verbal warning from the head ensued for the pair of us the following monday.

at the same school, with the same teacher forgetting it was parents evening until we had supped about seven pints each at the local pub. we arrived late and very sheepish.

rushing back to my classroom teaching a year 8 class and trapping the front of my trousers in the door handle and ripping my trousers from the front right the way round to the back. had dressed quickly that morning and not being able to find any clean under crackers just through on my dads bright red m+s Y fronts. Had to teach sat down til my girlfriend arrived with another pair of pants.

too many more to mention here...

York 79

And they say education has gone to the dogs.

during a fishing match in the early 90's i found myself bursting for a slash,the stretch of the river trent we were on was frequented by pleasure cruisers pootling up and down all day,unable to hold it in any longer i flopped out and started to relieve myself.mid slash a vessel containing what looked like the burton upon trent womens institute chugged along no more than ten yards from me,i looked at a prunella scales lookalike while i was shaking away merrily,i tried to face her off but the resulting embarrassment caused me to miss several bites and finish out of the money.

Not a great one but one that goes under the Intellectually Stupid category

1st one is someone else, when i was young i used to be a fitter and i was doing a job at Lever Bros in Port Sunlight, Liverpool and the security issues were a nightmare because you needed a keycard for some rooms and a coded doors too. We (our team) needed access to about 6 rooms and we needed to move around a lot. So the guy (a technician)who was chaperoning got fed up of us asking for his card and code so he gave us his card and number. The number he gave us was a Palindrome (same backwards as forwards).
We used it the whole day at the end he said so guys you have any trouble and i said "no it's easy to use because you can can do it backwards just as easy"

The guy (degree qualified i add) turns round with his back to the keypad reaches over his own shoulder and tries to key in his number and without a hint of irony looks at us with the strangest look as though we are the crazy ones.

this is the 2nd and embarrassing.

Few years ago 2004 England are playing Wales[football] in i think a euro qualifier.
The misses at the time was working at Harrods and they were having a discount day so instead of watching the football (which i can take or leave) i went down to Harrods. So im there a while looking for something to buy and i pop into the toilets for a pee when Emile Heskey comes in stands next to me and starts to pee. I look over and see that it's Emily Heskey and say

"So Sven didn't pick you, you injured?"

Heskey replies

"No, he told me you wouldn't be watching, so i said 'leave me out then Sven'"

On the first date with my now wife i didn't know what to do at the end of the night while stood saying goodbye on the doorstep. After a few awkward moments of silence i decided to shake her hand.


I was in Richmond (up north) with my wife and these 3 teenages sprinted past us. At the same time I could hear emergency sirens going off just around the corner. I thought to myself that i was marginally bigger than these guys and I would do the police a favour by practising my rugby skills and catching these guys for them. So i set off into pursuit of these guys without speaking a word to Kat. I had just about caught up with these kids as a the police sirens were coming round the corner, but as i looked up i noticed that it was an ambulance and not a police car and the kids had done nothing wrong. I insisted all day that i was just going for an inpromptue jog but i think a few people noticed what i was up to.

I once reported my car stolen from outside Planet Pizza in Bewsey even though it was actually parked elsewhere.

I’d parked on the adjacent car park next to the Co-op but could have sworn I’d parked right outside the pizza place. When I came out with my meat feast and my car wasn’t there I went back in the shop and went mental, saying slanderous things about Bewsey residents and how typical it was that my car could be stolen from under my nose in the space of 15 minutes in this dodgy part of town. I then reported it to the police only to have a horrible moment of realisation that it could be parked on the adjacent car park next to the Co-op. Sure enough, there it was safe and sound and I looked like a prize tool.

The best recent one I’ve heard was uttered by my mate’s fiancé as they drove over Barton Bridge and observed the Chill Factor indoor skiing building near the Trafford Centre.

She said “I think it’d be really dangerous skiing on there - they’ve not even got any handrails or anything”.

It took a moment to realise that she thought you actually skied down the roof on the outside.

He’s still planning to marry her next month.

whilst working away in north yorkshire about 4 years ago me and my mate were stopping in a nice little village called great ayton,there was a couple of nice pubs and a very smart local conservative club which we used for a game of snooker and to watch sport.it's entry system was via an intercom,one night on our way in three local youths about 16 years old were pressing the button and laughing and giggling,i assumed they were making a general nuisance of themselves so i sent them packing with a flea in their ears.when i got upstairs and ordered a couple of pints i proudly told the barmaid i had got rid of the nuisance youths outside to which she retorted
"that was my son and his friends asking what time i finished so they could walk me home"
redder than a beetroot.

I once took a phone message when I was living at home and my parents were out. The message i took was that one of my Mum's friends had died, she was devastated. The message i was meant to give my Mum was that one her friends parents had died.

I once vomitted and soiled myself at the same time, whilst suffering with 'flu. Fortunately, I was in my bathroom at the time.

Nice

i fell off the back of the stand at Griffin park while trying to be clever by trying a short cut for a wee by sneaking through the safety bars

i cut my arm quite badly but as i had drunk too much beer it did not hurt until the next day.

Not really my fault but one that did cause me uncontrolable self discipline issues.

I had taken my new girlfriend for a meal at The Cock 'O' Budworth. We had a lovely meal and afterwards she took me home to meet her parents for the first time. Fortunately her father was out otherwise I might have copped a clout!!

Her mum asked where we had been to which her daughter replied The Cock 'O' Budworth.

Her mums response "Oh thats nice.........I love the Cock I do!!"

I just couldn't help myself!!!