Did you hear about the scientist who opened a herb shop.

He invented a thyme machine.

ooohhh.....

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

thats cheeky lol

A Blonde goes into a pub with a load of dog muck on her hand,

she says to her mate."look what i nearly stood in"

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"

what's E.T. short for?
Because he has little legs

I was asked by the shop keeper why I needed 20 bottles of tipex? Big mistake.

I have just been sacked for failing to pay attention to detail. Well I think that's what he or she said anyway..

bloke walks into a cake shop in glasgow , looks at the wonderful array of pastries behind the counter and points at one asking the assistant , is that a cake or a merangue , to which she replied , no your right its a cake

how can you tell when a wigan girl orgasms?



she drops her pie!

Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher who got sacked?

He couldn't control his pupils.

I'll get me coat.

What's hairy and blessed?


Brian.

In 1980 a married couple go on there hols to america where they visit an indian colony..they see a wigwam with a sign saying memory man he`ll answer any question and he never forgets.right says the bloke i`ll have ago..HOW. .......who won the scottish fa cup final in 1890..after a few seconds thought the memory man says stirling borough beat annack rangers 1-0..thats bloody amazing and out he walks..3 months ago the couple decide to go back to america for another holiday.they go to the same place that they went to in 1980 and they go to the same indian reservation where they see that the same memory man is still going..im going back in says the bloke..How ......says the bloke.the memory man replies penalty in the 52nd minute

one for the oldies...
whats the singer 50 cent and the singer david van day got in common???????
they`re both half a dollar