zookeeper said to paddy,"The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider it for £500?" Paddy has a think "i will but on 3 conditions 1st i'm not kissng it 2nd my family never find out and 3rd you'll have to wait a couple of weeks to give me time to get the money together"

How do you get a fat bird into bed? Piece of cake.

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying on an Aer Lingus plane.
The son asked his mother,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the air hostess.
So the little lad walks up to the galley and asks the air hostess,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The air hostess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Aer Lingus always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you."

There was a similar one about a female relative constantly sponging money off me, so I took her to the red light district, with the distinct orders of "£50 oral, £100 full sex, £150 anything kinky," only for her to knock on the car door ten minutes later asking for me to lend her another £30...

My dog does a summersalt every time Hull FC score a try.
Sometimes he does two summersalts if i kick him hard enough.

My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started

_________________________________________________________

News just in:
An extremely powerful hurricane has hit Bradford, West Yorkshire.
Police are saying it has caused millions of pounds worth of improvements.

Did you hear about the new supply of viagra on its way to Wigan? Its to help them get past a semi

In an attempt to make Wigan more cosmopolitan, the council set up an Urdu centre in the town.

Unfortunately, the locals went in and asked for short back and sides.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I 'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.
............................................................................................................

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife. "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong honey. I love you.

To which the wife responds. "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thought you were cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.
...........................................................................................................

After getting the Pope's entire luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," says the cop. The Chief exclaims, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," says the cop.

The Chief then asks, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," says the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think its God!"

Chief: "What makes you think its God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
............................................................................................................

Michael and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Michael's mom and dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Little Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Little Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school!"
Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
"Are Michael and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school!"
After school, Little Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Michael and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue instead."

Guy gets in a hotel lift. Presses the button to go down and the lift says to him "Good morning you fat ugly git!"

He gets to the ground floor and presses the button to open the doors and the lift says to him "Go stuff yourself you bald headed boring gimp"

Guy goes to reception and says to the recepionist "Excuse me........I think your Lift's out of order!!"

James Lowes

Giving a Nobel Peace Prize to a man who leads a country involved in wars in Iraq AND Afghanistan is like giving Kate McCann the 'Mother of the Year' award.

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,
as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong, or
smart enough to steal one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fixthe problem, but it was expensive. He told the scouser that a less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can,then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
"Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor".
So the scouser went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are captured by Red Indians. The Lone Ranger is buried up to his neck in the desert sand with only his head sticking out.

The Red Indian leader says to Ranger - "You have one last request before we kill you". Ranger calls Tonto over and whispers something in his ear. Tonto jumps on his horse and rides back into town.

30 minutes later Tonto returns with one of the prostitutes from the local brothel on the back of his horse. She walks over to The Lone Ranger, removes her knickers and sits on his face.

5 minutes later she climbs off and The Lone Ranger calls Tonto back over -
"Tonto, I said ride into town and come back with a possee............."