I asked our lass this morning if she was faking it last night.

Turns out she wasn't, she really was asleep

Paddy marches into the job centre and screams " i've been ringing 08001730 for two days now trying to get help! " Girl at reception desk asks " Did you get that number from our door sir? " Paddy says " Yes! " Girl says " those are our opening hours you thick git!! "

Just pinched this one off the Sin Bin

bloke goes to a mental institute and see`s a bloke in bed pretending to drive a porche.so he says to the bloke in the next bed whats he doing?he`s driving his porche to the shops and back again.replies the bloke...but he`s sat up in bed why dont you tell him he only thinks he`s driving a porche..no chance he gives me a tenner a week to clean it

bloke walks into a pet shop and says;
can i have 2 dead flies please,
sorry sir we do not sell dead flies
oh says the bloke youve got some in the window.


two flies on a cowpat
one of them trumps
the other one says
do ya mind im tryin to eat mi dinner..



taxi ;dont worry im goin..

load of pupils in class little johnny shouts out;
gizza pencil
teatcher;i beg your pardon
johnny;gizza pencil
teatcher;johnny there are nouns,pro nouns,and verbs
teatcher;mary as no pencils,philip as no pencils
sarah as no pencils,edward as no pencils,
they have no pencils
we all have no pencils
johnny;well whos got all the bleedin pencils........

Paddy takes his broken car to the mechanic. Mechanic says " Nothing serious mate just please don't try to bypass the swear filter in your air filter" Paddy says " Brilliant , how often do i have to do that? "

Bloke takes his car into a garage in Leigh.
"what's the problem, mate?" asks the mechanic
"It's my wheels" he replies
"Are they champion?"
"No, they're please don't try to bypass the swear filter, that's why I need new ones!"

Whats hairy on the outside, moist on the inside, starts with a C ends in T
and has the letters U and N in the middle??


































A coconut!

little lad says to his nan as she gets out of the bath,
whats that between ya legs nan,
oh its mi hedgehog,
it must be dead nan,its guts are hangin out..

The Met Police have been involved in the current BBC inquest.

Ross & Brand have had their names added to the "Sachs Offenders List".

Man says to his wife "what would you do if i won the lottery"
And his wife replies "i would divorce you and take half"
The man then says "good i got three numbers heres a £5 now please don't try and bypass the swear filter"

What a nice comment