Middle aged, smartly dressed gay man walks into a Liverpool pub. He looks around and sees a 6'8" 25 stone Scouser sat at the bar, reading a paper and drinking a pint.

Smartly dressed man downs a double scotch for dutch courage and approaches the Scouser. "Excuse me" he whispers in the Scouser's ear "Do you fancy a blow job?" The Scouser takes the man outside and beats seven bells out of him, leaving him a battered mess in the gutter.

"Another pint Tez?" says the barman
"Yes" says the Scouser
"What did that fella say to you la, you laid him out good and proper?" the barman asks
"Dunno" says the Scouser "Something about a job..................."

A friend of mine was injured last week when a tree fell on him in Northern Ireland.

Police Suspect that the IRA planted it

My Dad is the laziest b'stard you'll ever meet in your life.
A prostitute asked him if he fancied a blow job once and he asked if it would affect his dole money!


My Dad did try to get me into boxing though, but I lost my first fight for using my head - I didn't turn up, b0ll0cks to that lark!

My Dad was a boxer, though, that's why he wanted me to be one, too.
They called him Lowry - always on the canvas!
One time, the referee told him to stay down til 9, he asked "what time is it now?!"
In one match, he was told to go to a neutral corner, he went to bleeding Switzerland!

Whats the difference between an Investment Banker and a London Pigeon?

A London Pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

Whats the difference between a woman and an army?

One powders her face, and the other faces the powder

8 reasons why vodka is better for woman then willies...

1) vodka is always stiff
2) it doesnt look smaller in the cold
3) it last as long as you want it to
4) vodka doesnt prod u in the back in the mornings
5) you dont care how down your throat it goes
6) u can have as many vodka's as you like in 1 nite without bein called a slapper!
7) u can enjoy a vodka in front of your mum
vodka is always a pleasure 2 swallow!

My wife has been lying to me for years.

Every morning when I go to work she tells me she's leaving me, then when I come home, she's still F'ckin there

2 irish couples agree to swap partners for the night. After 3 hrs of amazing sex paddy says " i wonder how the girls are getting on" ..

I thought these were supposed to be BAD jokes

Bloke says to his wife "why dont you ever tell me when u are having an orgasm"? She says " i dont like ringing u when u are at work!"

They are..

After sponging off society all of his life and sending regular sick notes in, never doing a full week and basically being a useless scrounger it was inevitable that Louis Saha would end up in Liverpool.

Whats 13ins long, silver and probably the worse thing you find at the bottom of your daughters bed?.....













Gary Glitters boots!!

Paddy buys a bath takes it back next day complaining water keeps running out. Manager says " did u buy a plug for it?" Paddy says " you never said it was electric!"

I asked our lass this morning if she was faking it last night.

Turns out she wasn't, she really was asleep