........I was looking at my old computer documents and came across this little doozy from when it was posted on WolfWeb quite a few years ago. Can't remember who did it, but it's a really funny read. Enjoy!
Quote: ?
"Imagine if you will November 2001, a smoky boardroom in the Halton stadium. Directors and Neil Kelly are closing the months meeting.
“Under Any Other Business gentlemen, I would like to draw your attention to the folder in front of you entitled PROJECT WOLF – THE END OF WARRINGTON RUGBY LEAGUE CLUB. Now I’ll hand you over to Kelly who recently went on a fact finding mission cunningly disguised as an interview”.
“Thank you Mr. Chairman, I have learned that the Wolves have appointed Steve Anderson as Director of Football and David Plange as Coach. Our plan is a simple one. We will replace both men with our “Doubles” and destroy the club from the inside. The real Steve Anderson has been kidnapped and hidden in a cave in Scotland. We have a deal with the Scottish RFU that they will keep him hidden and on our signal release him. He will be so grateful to be found he will offer them his services free of charge. Myself, and fake Anderson have a meeting at Birch Services with Plange planned for tomorrow and we will make the switch with his double there. We’re taking McCurrie as back up.
The following day fake Anderson meets Plange at the service station as planned. Kelly & McCurrie wait out of sight for the right moment. Eventually Plange asks to be excused to the bathroom, fake Anderson gives the signal “Charge”. Runs 10 steps and turns round to find McCurrie back at the queue for Burger King. Not wishing to miss the chance Kelly & fake Anderson wrestle with Plange in the toilet. Plange manages to escape but runs into McCurrie’s stomach and is dazed. “Bugger made me spill me chips.” Says McCurrie and sits on Plange in temper. Job done.
Kelly bundles Plange into his car, and takes McCurrie back to Widnes. Fake Plange & Anderson make their way back to Warrington. Later Kelly rings Wilderspool to check everything is O.K. Fake Anderson is worried that the support base and the youth policy may be a stumbling block to completing the plan in one year. “No problem,” says Kelly, “announce a 3 year plan stating that we are getting rid of the whole team, starting again and don’t expect anything good to happen soon. That will buy us some time and upset the fan base”.
The next week fake Anderson announces the THREE-YEAR PLAN.
Kelly phones the day before Boxing Day to check on progress. “How are things going"?
"All according to plan" says fake Anderson "We've assembled the squad. Mark Hilton's back, we've got that prop from Huddersfield that's always hurt, that fella that had the one good game in the Challenge Cup Final, and 2 blokes from the Bottom end of the Aussie league that I've never heard of called Rodwell & Domic. Haven't seem them yet but they should fit in nice. We've stopped marketing companies and taken care of the commercial fellas by making them dress up as the Blues Brothers driving round St Helens. All going to plan".
Now we know we didn’t get relegated and we’re building for next year, but how much damage has this fiendish plot done. What secrets will be unearthed about last season? Find out in part 2 – coming soon. Names have been changed to protect the guilty – never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
Part 2
You may remember from part 1 the devilish plot by the Widnes board to destroy the Wolves by planting doubles of Anderson & Plange to destroy us from within.
Fast-forward to February 2002 and the morning before the Challenge Cup game at home v Saints. Kelly phones fake Anderson. “What the hell happened at Barrow. Ten minutes to go and it’s still 0–0. Then you go and score”.
“Sorry Kelly but it’s some of the imports. They’re too good. Plus Fozzard’s had a chicken kebab grafted onto his arm-closed season and he’s practically indestructible. I’ve had him running into walls in training and it’s not fazed him!!! Don’t worry about today though, fake Plange has got them playing out of position. We’ve had the ground staff narrow and shorten the pitch this year and both halfbacks are happily kicking out on the full in training. Plus we’ve revolutionised training with musical statues where halfback and both markers are not allowed to move near the play the ball. The flat line is working a treat but as an incentive I’ve introduced fines for passing, catching and knocking on. They’re that frightened of making a mistake they just get the ball and run.
“Great..” says Kelly, “..and it’s Saints as well so no problems. We’re OK it’s just Wakefield at home. What about the fans and the finances?”
“No problem Kell. We’ve rearranged some of our fixtures for the year. You’ll never believe this but they’ve agreed to play London at home on Tuesday teatime HA HA imagine the size of the crowd. Plus, now wait for it…, wait for it……, we’re playing them away in the middle of a village in the South of France during the hottest week on their calendar. If Wires aren’t relegation fodder by then they soon will be. Right, the fans are a problem. They still turn up in numbers and make a hell of a noise. What we’ve done is to offer cheap tickets for some of the games. Not going down well with the season ticket holders I can tell ya”.
“FANTASTIC” says Kelly, “and good luck against Saints in the cup wwWWHHHooooAAH (puts his little finger to his lip)…”. Elsewhere our hero turns on his TV to watch the cup game, looks at the side and turns off the set. A single tear rolls down his cheek.
Well Warrington exit the Cup, & the season starts. Wolfie chased his goal of scoring a try at every ground, Widnes fans pursue their goal of fighting at every ground, & with the exception of an uncharacteristic second half fight back against Halifax, go from bad to worse ending with a seven game loosing streak at the end of April on the Tuesday night game v London. Fake Anderson phones Kelly. “Got a big problem. There was a sit in after the game last night and they’re getting suspicious. It may be time to release the real Anderson. Fake Plange says he’s got a few tricks up his sleeve concerning Rodwell’s replacement so we should be OK.”
What is the story behind Plange’s tricks, The Wakefield connection, Dunneman, Domic’s mystery illness, the Starlights and clues to the ORIGIN of Bewsey Wolf will be revealed in part 3. coming soon.
Part 3a
Fake Plange phones Neil Kelly. “The scouting mission to Salford didn’t go well”.
“What scouting mission??”
“You said go to Salford and…” fake Plange is cut short by Kelly, “When I said Salford was full of overpriced old talent that still looks like they will go down, I was referring to the nightlife not the team, ..although…anyway you won again at Hull, what’s going on?”
“Just a hiccup Kell nothing more. Ordered the diving boots for the team as you said but I could only get John Clarke to wear ‘em. No problem as we play Cas, Bratfut and Saints next. Oh, and I’ve primed Briers for the Fax game on the telly that he must drop goal every time we get within 20 yards of scoring. Wakefield will be the next test for me, but I’ve a cunning plan”.
Two weeks later, Diane Rogerson (Wakey Chief Egg) gets a knock at the office door. “Morning Plangey how can I help you?”, Fake Plange smiles, “Come to do you a favour luv. That Aussie fella that got the good opta stats for hooking, believe he’s got itchy feet. Wouldn’t mind him playing Scrum half for us. ‘ow much?”.
“Fair enough, what about Ten Grand.”
“Call it Fifty” says fake Plange.
“Come off it Plangey, he’s not worth it, how about Twenty”.
“Thirty and I’m not coming down any more”.
“Done” Diane can’t believe it.
“Oh!” Plange adds, “the young centre fella that shows a bit of talent, shall we call it a Hundred Grant for the two”.
“Can’t do this to you Plangey, Ninety and we’ll shake hands”.
“Deal” says fake Plange “Nothing I need to know about this young fella is there?”
“No everything is OK, the lad suffers from the odd cold but he’s fine.” She blushes.
“Interesting” says Plange and heads for the door” Oh. One last thing, I approached Wood illegally”.
“What?”
“I said this morning, I approached your club eagerly”. Plange leaves smiling. Diane starts phoning.
Next day. “Kell, it’s fake Plange. Everything’s in place for the Wakey game. I’ve sown the seed with their Chief and left a message of Dunneman’s answering machine as back up in case plan ‘A’ fails. I’ve also agreed that the two new lads can’t play this weekend. The fans are still turning up though so I’ve sacked the Welsh singer, and got Jude to sack the dancers and replace them with a man dressed as a bakewell tart. Plus I found a broken catapult thing from last year and told them to just leave it on the pitch at half time. Domic is still a problem though. Any ideas ??”
“Oh yes” ss Kelly, “I’ve got BIG plans for Mr Domic. Meet me at the player’s entrance at Wilderspool in the morning I’ve got something for you. WWWHHHHHOOOOOOAAAHHHAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAA.
To be continued……
Part 3b
Kelly goes into the Vikings boardroom. In the dark he can just make out the silhouette of the Chairman. He appears to be stroking a white cat. “Kelly, have you sorted out the unpleasantness?”
“Y-y-yes sir. How was I to know the crowd I hired to hound Rodwell would go back and disrupt the Queen Mum’s silence. Thankfully no one recognised them.”
“Good. What can I do for you?”
“ It’s fake Plange Sir ! He’s doing a great job with Project Wolf but there appears to be a problem with Domic. He’s still playing well. I think it’s time to give Plange the two bottles.”
“My God Kelly, are things that bad. You realise of course that if you are caught that your career will be finished. Here, but be careful and I know nothing of this, OK.”
The next day Kelly meets fake Plange at Wilderspool as planned. As he enters the ground he bumps into Matt Sturm who is on his way on loan to Whitehaven and thinking nothing of it goes to fake Plange’s office.
“Now listen fake Plange, take these two bottles. Now the first one I want you to smuggle it into France and when the team get dehydrated I want you to put a few drops of this into Domic’s water bottle. It’s been invented by the finest Chemics in Widnes and can tranquillise a herd of Rhinos. The second bottle, the one in the asbestos jacket, keep safe and never, EVER, open it without my say so.”
“Got it Kell. One question though, how do I smuggle the bottle into France…..You’re joking right !???”
During the first quarter of the game in Carcassone fake Plange carefully puts two drops into Sids water. Just then Mark Hilton bumps into him (missing the 20ft gap to the side of Plange), causing half the bottle to go into Sid’s drink. Fake Plange panics and puts the top back on and takes the bottle to Sid.
“Here you go Sid get that water down you”.
“Cheers Boss. ‘Ere its purple,& Eeeaaargh it smells like Widnes”.
“Don’t worry it’s err French water. Yeh French water.”
Sid drinks the water and one week later collapses at Wigan with a mystery illness.
Elsewhere our hero and Sturm are coming off the pitch after their game. “Ey. You’ll never guess what Boss. I bumped into Neil Kelly at Warrington the other day, carrying two funny looking bottles up to Plangey’s office. Cullen asks for a description of the bottles, cries “Oh, my God. It’s started.” And immediately leaps aboard his white horse (tied to the crossbar) and gallops to the nearest phone.
To be continued…….
Part 4
Lord Hoyle is in his office in private talks with his secretary. “Ooooh I love it when you say I look like Des Lynam, tell me again. Oh wait a minute, damn phone. Hello Cullen son, long time no speak, how can I help you?”
“Just had a word with Sturm and do you remember when we sold our last decent team there were rumours of a Widnes plot involving chemical weapons, well Sturmy saw Kelly go into Planges office with the two bottles matching the description”
“But the team are away in France Cull, it may be too late. Look if things get any more desperate then can I rely on you Matey”.
“You can count on me Douggie, let me call a few mates up and see what I can do..”
A few weeks later an irate Kelly phones fake Plange “Look mate this is just not on, you won at Leeds and beat Salford at home. Plus I’ve had reports that Cullen has been seen at Wilderspool. I think it’s time to re-think our strategy and release the real Plange. Widnes still have mates in London from their Luton days I’ll sort it”.
“Couldn’t help it Kell. Got Ganson to ref the Salford game on the usual deal and once I found out Halliwell wasn’t that fat ginger tart I sent him back to fax. What about me though”.
“Oh don’t worry mate I’ve got a couple of things for you before you go, and then I want you to carry on upsetting the fans in a different role, this Summer log onto the web site as Bewsey Wolf and upset the fan base from within. I’ll prepare a list of things for you to say”.
Big Brother starts that Summer, and after the first week Lee (a dark muscley type) is evicted first after upsetting everyone with his ramblings. The day after he attends a press conference and is asked about the experience. “What house, what programme. The last thing I remember is this dodgy looking bloke giving me a purple beer. Next thing I know I’m here. And stop calling me Lee, my names Plange, David Plange”.
Warrington sink to an all time low with crushing defeats to Saints and cas. Just before the cas game fake Plange receives a call from Kelly. “We’ve released Plange, start your new life as Bewsey Wolf tomorrow, before you go get the second bottle with the asbestos liner. Inside there is a blood sample, I want you to address it to the RFL and tippex out Keith Richards name and…”
They are interrupted by Doug Hoyle & Cullen & the team. “The games up Matey”, they head for fake Plange who sidesteps a tackle from Guisset and Westwood and makes his escape.
Cullen picks up the receiver “We’re on to you Kelly. The games up.”
“Not yet Cullen” spouts Kelly “Wait till August 18th at our place. I’m not done yet”.
“Wwwhhhh…” Cullen interrupts him.
“That’s paper mask day son, paper mask day. See you there”.
Next. Conspiracy Theory Part V – Paper Mask Day
Part 5
Paper mask day comes and on the morning before the game Kelly is called into his Chairman’s office. “Is everything set for today, no slip ups”.
Kelly is nervous “Yes Sir. We’ve got Ganson to ref. & Domics still passing luminous water like a light sabre. And if the paper mask ringleader appears we’ve got a plan for him too. Fake Plange has assumed the title Bewsey Wolf and the users are in uproar.”
Cullen enters the Halton Stadium and as he turns to the team a flash of sunlight bounces off his teeth. “Lads, welcome to Widnes. We’ve come for a fight”.
A fierce game ensues and by half time Kelly is concerned that despite Mr Ganson, Warrington are making a fight of it inspired by their loyal vocal support. “We need to distract the crowd, quick is the paper mask ringleader here. Good. Offer him free beer for the rest of the day in exchange for putting on the Viking hat and stealing Wolfies ball. He’s got the same shorts on no one will notice”.
Widnes sneak the game by a point following Ben Westwood getting sent off for flattening a player. Kelly’s celebrations are cut short when Cullen strides over to him saying “Let’s have a quiet word Kelly.”
“Up yours Cullen” and Kelly makes his escape out of the Halton past the Cricketers and hits McCurries stomach and falls to the floor dazed. McCurrie returning from the Burger Bar near the pub shouts “Bugger made me spill me chips” and sits on him in temper. Kelly misses a few games with a reported “problem”, McCurrie misses a few games needing “an operation to remove a strange growth from his backside”. Widnes as a result flounder and fail to make the play-offs.
The Widnes chairman witnessing the revival in the Wire spirit and furious at Westwood’s tackle calls fake Plange. “Desperate times call for desperate measures fake Plange, you know what to do.”
Cullen is pleased with the spirit but needs to call a few favours in if the club is to survive.
Elsewhere, as instructed, Bewsey Wolf (a.k.a. fake Plange) sends the tube of Keith Richards blood to the RFL with a note implicating one of the Warrington players AS YET WE DO NOT KNOW WHO IT WAS OR WHAT THE SAMPLE CONTAINED..
Next….. How did we manage to survive the drop. Why did Bewsey Wolf flee to America, Mike Wainwright explained and setting the scene for the Boxing Day showdown 2002. Part VI (Survival at ANY cost).
Part 6
Alan Hunte watching TV at home, sat on a large blue and yellow sack ¾ full of £5 notes. The phone rings. “Huntey, its Cull. How’s things. Yeah it’s difficult for us all. Listen I’ve got a favour to ask, Kelly and the Widnes board have got it in for us and I think you can help. Start coughing up the ball near the try line, yeah that’s it, nothing obvious but just enough to show you’re trying. Just to keep Salford below us in the table. Have a word with Wainwright as well, see what he can do”.
“No, no, Huntey no sack of cash this time, what we’ll do is to put you both in the shop window on the televised game against us. Rob Smyth got 7 stitches in a head cut last week and still can’t walk straight. I’ll put him on your wing. Yeah, if we’re safe we’ll take a dive for you mate to help out. Worst comes to worst there’s a job here for one if not both of you next year. Wakefield ?? No don’t worry about that. I’ve had a word with Knotty, same deal, if he leaves his kicking boots at home, we’ll leave Briers & Clarke out last game. So relegation is down to you v Cas. Can’t say fairer than that. Cheers Huntey I owe you one.”
Kelly returns to work and decides to turn up the heat by telling the press and Wire FM porkies about the sample sent to the RFL. Warrington early bird season ticket offer dies on its bum.
Web site users are so depressed at the teams season they decide to attend an end of season do. Fake Plange (AKA Bewsey Wolf) panics. “Err, I can’t go… err, I’ve got a boil on me bum,…err I live down South,… err I married a Yorkshire Lass,… err LOOK can’t you just leave me alone can’t you see how difficult it is being this one dimensional character.” Scared to be recognised as fake Plange, Bewsey Wolf retreats to a US plastic surgeon. Unfortunately the picture he takes to the surgeon is that of Prof. Pat Pending from Wacky Races.
Warrington escape serious fines when the real Plange testifies under oath that he never approached Wood illegally, and Wire escape the drop and look to build for next year. Cullen true to his word offers Wainwright a contract. There is still the matter of the RFL to deal with. Andy Topham addresses the SquadBuilder Committee, and part way through his speech tells a strange joke, read from a card Cullen gave him. “I say, I say, I say, What’s the difference between rice pudding, heroin, fish and cough medicine.”
“I don’t know” come the voices in unison “What’s the difference between rice pudding, heroin, fish and cough medicine.”
“Excellent” whispers Andy to himself. “Mental note to self, prepare press statement”.
EPILOGUE
Kelly phones Cullen Mid October 2002 “You may have escaped the drop this time Cullen, and I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky kids and that damn dog. But we’re here next year Cullen, we’ll have you then WWWHHHHHOOOOOOAAAHHHAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAA”. (puts his little finger to his lip).
Cullen answers through gritted teeth “We’ll always be here, ‘undred odd years and counting, bring it on Boxing Day Kelly - THIS TIME IT’S PERSONAL”.
THE END……….FOR NOW!!!
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