My Geordie mate awoke from a 3 year coma last night. Being a die hard Magpies fan, one of the first things he asked was "How are Newcastle doing this season?" "They're top of the table" I told him, and watched his face light ...up and he jumped for joy........ "However, I probably should let you know there is a rather large "but" coming..."

You say this was a joke thread?

stevie wonder doing a concert when he asks for any requests..at the back of the arena a little japanese bloke shouts sing a jazz chord..so stevie does a 15 minute set in which he gets a standing ovation...the same japanese bloke shouts out no sing a jazz chord...listen you replies stevie if you can do any better get up here and you do it..so the little japanese bloke runs onto the stage picks up the mic and starts singing i jazz chord to say i ruv you

A primary school teacher in Killarney asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the Blarney Stone and I was fascinated. The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

how do you make a woman blind?????????


stick a steering wheel in front of her

i once went out with a girl with eczema she had cracking tits

First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a ."

The Man United fan who ran onto the pitch during the Manchester derby has been banned from football for three years......... Which isn't so bad, when you realise it's just one home game plus injury time.

After years of searching for him, America has finally offered $100,000,000 for Bin Laden......... Man City have offered $105,000,000

What's hit more balls than David Beckhams right foot? Jordan's chin.

If Derren Brown is so amazing, why doesn't he hypnotise us all so we don't think he is a c---.