Big Al, lives on Brewery Lane.

Ha, you got me there Charlie, which is the most optimistic part?

What's the difference between a hippo and Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

This made me laugh a lot. However be warned I am a weirdo so you may not share my amusement: https://twitter.com/mstrpotatohead/stat ... 51297?s=20

This made me laugh a lot. However be warned I am a weirdo so you may not share my amusement: https://twitter.com/mstrpotatohead/stat ... 51297?s=20

My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
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“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
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“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

One morning a little old lady wanders into a local fishmongers and asked for a piece of cod, the Fishmonger said I'm sorry Madam we are out of cod till tomorrow come back then , ok said the lady and goes on her way.
Around lunchtime she comes back in and the Fishmonger says what can I get you Madam, I'd like a nice piece of cod please, sorry Madam as I've already said we won't have any in till tomorrow come back then. ok she says and wanders off.
Later in the day at closing time she comes in again and the Fishmonger rolls his eyes and asks exasperatedly what would like Madam. I'd like a nice piece of cod please.
How do you spell cod madam? c o d she replied, no it isn't it's spelled c o f d said the Fishmonger.
She thinks about it for a minute and then says there is no f in cod! The Fishmonger replied that's what I've been trying to tell you!

Wife walks into the kitchen and says to her husband,didn't you hear me just fall down the stairs? He says no sorry love I thought it was the start of Eastenders.

"Won't you kiss me doctor" says a female patiently longingly.

The doctor replies, "Absolutely not, it would be completely against my code of ethics."

"Please. Just one kiss" she pleads.

"It's completely out of the question" says the doctor, "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you".

Car breaks down in a country lane outside a small cottage. As the driver is leaning over under the bonnet a young lady appears out of the cottage. She says 'would you like a screwdriver' to which he replies 'That's very nice of you but I haven't really got time I must get this car fixed.

Ever wondered why the Saudis don't like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do?

I found this was very relaxing when I was feeling stressed.

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An owl's just flown into the kitchen, dried all me cups and plates. Couldn't believe it. Must have been a Teat Owl.

To be honest it sounded a tad too much like government information from the Friday night telecasts from the (not very) sage committee. Still, it must be helping, I seem to be much more exterminated....sorry, a bit more relaxed now.

What do you call a French footballer playing Nintendo...

Thierry on Wii