A pregnant woman is on the bed in advanced labour when she suddenly shouts out "I'mWon'tIt'sShouldn'tThat's"

The midwife comes rushing in and says "I don't think it's going to be long now. Those contractions seemed very close together."

When scuba divers are sat facing inwards on the edge of the dinghy before rolling backwards into the water. Why do they do that?

...because if the rolled forward they’d fall back into the boat.

Ever noticed how angry the staff at the job centre are when they hear you turned up for an interview with underpants on your head and swearing?

Stop sending me for interviews then I need to chill out. Morons.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf

I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.

I went into Greggs today and asked, "How much are sausage rolls?"

"£2 for two," the assistant said.

"How much for one?" I enquired.

"£1.20," she replied.

"I'll have the other one," I told her.

Just met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area...

He had a Wigan address!

That one got me haha

Guy goes into the doctor's.  'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.''How's that?'

'Oh, now, don't you start.'

At the last training session, Simon Grix told all the Fax lads to assume their normal position on the pitch. So they all went and stood behind the goalposts to wait for the conversion.

I've not heard that one, though I did hear that Grix went to St Helens to ask Justin Holbrook for some tips. Holbrook suggested that they do some role play and line up a few dustbins dressed in rugby shirts and he should let the Fax lads run round them, just to get their confidence up. Trouble was he'd already tried that and the dustbins had won.

Little old lady goes to see her GP, she has a problem, uncontrollable farting. Fortunately there is no smell she says. Doc reaches in his drawer for a long rod with a hook on the end. I hope you are not going to use that on me she said. No said the doc I am going to open the windows.

Fellow walking down the street feeling incredibly horny, decides to visit the local Prossy on the street corner, Gets there and goes up to her and says" I'm desperate for some action, but I've only a pound coin, can you help me"? Sure she says, " for a pound I'll drop my drawers and you can stick your tongue between my legs and enjoy yourself" So, down he goes, after a minute he swallows a piece of Potato, hmm he thinks, but as he's enjoying the experience, onwards to goes. After another minute, he swallows a piece of carrot, hmm he again thinks, but again he Carrie's on. Another minute he swallows a piece of meat.. so now he has to ask about this. He says to her" Only been at it for 3 minutes and I've swallowed a piece of Potato, then Carrot, then some meat..What's up?" She replies, " Oh that. Well the fellow before you, was sick"

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"