Ok with the dreaded two Bs (Brexit and Bradford) I want cheering up. Tell us a joke. I'll start.

I used to own a racing snail. I took off its shell to see if it would make it go faster, but if anything it made it more sluggish.

Paddy and Mary decide to spice things up one night and Mary suggests a 69.
Paddy has never done it before so Mary tells him to lay down and she’ll take the lead.
As Mary squats over his head and leans over she accidentally lets out a little trump.
She tries again and as she leans forward to do the deed another small trump occurs.
Paddy throws her off and storms out of the room and says “You can do one if you think I’m waiting around for another 67 of those!”

To which Mary replies “ Take big sniffs, it’ll go quicker “

***Bulls announce new signing***

A wife is sitting at her husband’s funeral. A man leans in and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

Two Irishmen are enjoying the rapidly diminishing hostelries of Bradford when they realise that they have blown all their money and missed the last bus.

"Here," says Mick, "There's the Bus depot there, lets nick a bus to get us home"

"Okay," says Murph, "You keep an eye out and I'll go in and get the bus,"

There then followed 10 minutes of revving, crashing, swearing, and bangs from within the depot. After a particularly big crash, Mick pokes his head in and shouts "What the hell are you doing in there?"

"I can't help it," says Murph, "The 576 is right at the back,"

"You big eejit," replies Mick, "We could get the 613 here at the front, just jump out at the corner and walk the rest of the way"

Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Little Johnny went out into the garden and saw his pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. he fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Daddy?" asked Johnny as he fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, Tiddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Johnny seemed to take his cats death quite well. However two days later when his father came home from work Johnny had tears in her eyes and said, "Mummy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the boy and shouted, "How do you mean Johnny?

"Well", mumbled Johnny, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other one says, "I’m a big metal fan."

I got my dog from the local blacksmith....

Soon as I got home he made a bolt for the door.

Ok...here is mine, but it isn`t a joke, this really happened.

When I got home after the debacle that was that game against Fev a couple of years ago the conversation went something like this...

The wife `so did they win then?`

Me...'no, we lost we were f.....g s..t'

The wife (now pleased that she thought the season was over) ....`great so we can do what we want at the wekends now'

Me ....'no we are now in the Mickey Mouse Cup'

The wife....'is that what they call it? the Mickey Mouse Cup?'

Oh if we are throwing our partners under the bus too I'll have a load. Her indoors has been raised so proper that she accidentally says thank you to objects. So far, she's said thanks to a cash point several times and the odd sliding door.

That's completely the sort of thing I do as well. I have two small boys, and (as I'm sure every parent does) I point things out to them when travelling.

So it was 7:20 on the packed Sheffield train to London, and I was absent-mindedly looking out the window. We passed a field of cows.

"Oooh look," I said out loud, completely forgetting where I was and who I was sitting at a table with, "Moo cows"

To a table of besuited, and bemused businessmen.

Paddy was at the bar and ordered 5 pints of bitter.
Barman said “would you like a tray?”

Paddy said “no thanks, won’t be able to carry that as well”

wonder if it was the same guy who sold us ours called woodbine,
he had both hind legs missing but enjoyed going out for a drag